On the day before my birth there is no celebration

There is the echo of empty rooms gathering dust

And years well versed in disappointment, a special ache

Much as I try I cannot summon gratitude like I ought

For another year without you seems no success

If you’re listening and even if you’re not

Implored through my bones, often

My wish to be stronger

Not to tear at the thought of never seeing you again

A death come before dying, you never get used to

These wasted years laid out as fortune teller turns

The card of hollow hours gathering their agonized regret

It has scraped the hide from my soul to be shunned

Boiled my marrow in acid at the thought of your scorn

There is nothing more painful than rejection

When someone tried to hurt me now, I almost laugh

That the best you got? Take a leaf out of my past

There’s a deep pain in losing and a greater in you wanting to lose

Me; for who am I without you? To live knowing

The one who gave me life has turned away

Invalidations’ sting so thorough, you could flay me for supper

And I wouldn’t even flinch, no, it’s not pity I seek

It’s the love in your eyes, now extinguished

If you’re listening and even if you’re not

Leave me the tools to survive your loss, long practiced

Teach me to cope with hating myself for not being ‘more’

They call me strong but they only see the artificial

I have no strength left, it has gone to chase you

Through time and every choice made, each turn a question

Could I have ever saved us? Could I have had the power to

Keep you here? Where you remain still

Imbedded in my heart, a favored beloved thorn

For the oddest part is how much I love, the one who hurts the most

Is there strength in love? Or am I a greater fool for not

Letting go?

3 Replies to “The day before my birth”

  1. The most fundamental, instinctual desire
    Teacher to all others
    One gift of love no other can replace
    But a rebel heart, however wounded
    Beats refusal to do the same withdrawal
    And loves, perhaps more fiercely
    Whether heard or not.

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