The doctor
who is 47 and wears a baseball cap
she doesn’t look her age, even her hands are unlined
but she knows her stuff, telling me, it’s a virus
got into you, maybe by the loosest thread and working its way up
attacked your spleen like, a well placed fist will split even hard skin
opening up secrets, spilling them like spaghetti squash, reveals its jewel
thumbing through test results, her eyes raised imperceptably
we both joked at the irony of finding a virus, good news
by then I had, a long list of debtors, thinner wrists, curled with many knots, my mouth was parched from staying open
who knew I’d learned so well, the art of begging and beseachment
and the phone, if it were not disconnected, would not have rung because I’d found out 
those who stand in faded ink on birth certificate, are not interested in, the lurch of misfortune
you see, some people, they need warm weather, even in Wintertime
and cannot abide, a cold chill or sudden snap
and I, poor dear, had quite broken my luck on the roulette table, as it spun
a soft sound much like the running of a bath
my turn to fall
their turn to turn, face away, pretending, such misfortune doesn’t happen
they are acrobats of self-deception
I don’t condemn it
it gives me the outline of which to begin, a new family tree
it will not have many branches, perhaps will look deformed
but as the arroyo dries in hot Summer, lines leave scores in red earth, pointing a way for journiers
and there are people who come
from almost nowhere
bringing solace
like a well tended light, burning from animal oil
keeps alive, that creature within us
needing, oh so needing
I touched them, with burning fingers and blistered lips
I couldn’t form the words to say, how much it meant
walking in their step and how
the measure of their coming lifted me
from a place i’d never been nor wished to return 
emptiness is not, an acquired taste
the doctor, she can attest to that
I see grief in her stride and hope in the words she feeds me
as we create over the loom, something resembling a coat
to wear when the weather gets cold
and you have to step outside

29 Replies to “Step outside”

  1. Sorry to hear about so many things happening, but this is so beautiful. You are truly gifted. It is good it’s a virus, right? Wishing and hoping for good health for you!

  2. Trampling time, painted face,
    upper class society
    are blinded
    within their walk
    throughout humanity…
    It seems that the innocent, always pays!

  3. When someone can FINALLY tell you what’s wrong after all others treat you like a guinea pig, but have no results, it’s a welcomed event. Those of us living with our own chronic versions of this or that know many of these lines very well. I love what you did here:
    “my turn to fall
    their turn to turn, face away, pretending, such misfortune doesn’t happen
    they are acrobats of self-deception
    I don’t condemn it
    it gives me the outline of which to begin, a new family tree
    it will not have many branches, perhaps will look deformed
    but as the arroyo dries in hot Summer, lines leave scores in red earth, pointing a way for journiers
    and there are people who come
    from almost nowhere
    bringing solace
    like a well tended light, burning from animal oil”
    Each day, a new beginning.

  4. “I see grief in her stride and hope in the words she feeds me”.
    Heart-touching … Beautifully composed. Thank you for sharing your gifts.

  5. I have a dear friend with serious health issues who is now homeless because of them. Her (adoptive) family turns their back, while she still does all she can to help them.
    Their narcissism and the American health system, keeps breaking my heart. And she won’t let me help her more than the measly amount I have done.
    You have captured that pain here in only the way you can. Gah! I am so sorry you have been through this too!!
    (But the virus thing is help-able?)

  6. I am sad that you are sick, somehow glad there is an answer, hoping it’s a good one.
    I am sorry your family is turning their backs.
    I’ve been suffering today, alone, and somehow, I was glad that they weren’t here, as I’m not sure I could explain it to them in ways they’d understand.
    Sending warm love to you, hoping the new year brings new hope.
    XO

  7. May health be yours. There seems hope of that in that doctor. There is so much else here, it begs to be reread and reread in changing circumstances, letting the tumbling images fall like so many dice on different faces.

  8. “emptiness is not, an acquired taste
    the doctor, she can attest to that
    I see grief in her stride and hope in the words she feeds me
    as we create over the loom, something resembling a coat
    to wear when the weather gets cold”
    It is a gift to create such beauty out of such pain and hardship. Hope that you are finally and truly on the mend

  9. The warmth and cold of human hearts, what motivates the feelings, a summer drought or a hearth in winter, radiant beams – cursed or blessed… Where is Love ?

  10. Candice, you’ve been through so much – I can’t even imagine. And it’s taken all this time to figure out it’s a virus? It seems they don’t really care how much someone is suffering – and when they do care, their hands are tied and they’re unable to treat with true individual care because of the rules and regulations of the health care system. Where does this leave you now – hopefully with a treatment plan that works?
    You’re in my thoughts… please take care. 💕

  11. Yes this after six months nobody tested for this virus at least it may one day go as if virus induced, Gastroparesis does sometimes go. I pray so. Thanks so much dear friend

  12. My prayers are with you also, Candice. I hope your doctor has a plan for you to regain your strength while you’re getting rid of the virus…. something to fight the virus itself. I’ve heard of remarkable healings coming from visualizations. Have you read any Caroline Myss? She’s a medical intuitive.
    Will try to email you soon – I’m behind on everything. Sending love! 💖

  13. Hoping to email you soon. (Having pain flare-up so can’t sit at computer very long.) Myss is highly respected writer, lecturer, intuitive. Lots of books (you can read reviews on Amazon to get an idea about her). Also she has a website. Believes in healing energies, etc. Don’t know if you’re open to that kind of thing but it’s interesting.
    Take care, dear Candice. 💕

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