What if this feeling had the power to change things?

Like we think when we’re really young

Share beds
With cruelty

What if this feeling had the power to change things?

If kissing your brow, if kissing my fingers and holding them into the air around you
Could bless this space
Keep us all safe
Halt time

I cannot even drive in the dark, or hold down a 60 hr week or stop my rights from running or keep from throwing up just because

Life is a bluff
I used to believe

Wearing bright colors would change a mood
But I’ve been wearing this grief so long
It’s changed the hue of my eyes
I’m tired before my time
I don’t get up and dance to favorite songs anymore

And before you say I’ve heard it all before

What if this feeling had the power to change things?

I find love in the strangest of places
The slender chord of your wrist where perfume lies sleeping

The quiet of night when I should be
And instead

I am dancing

Despite myself

Shaking loose that feeling of dying

Shouting at those who would blind me; not this girl! She’s survived this long

Do you really think you’re going to eat her guts with your merlot? I don’t think so

She’s a renegade, she might bleed but she’ll outlast your scorn

Like a wet cat, just in from the cold
Seeks fire, seeks nourishment, seeks temporary harbor
What if this feeling had the power to change things?

Would you come with me? Would you leave your keys on the mantle with no note and just abscond

Just like thunder rolls in sudden and violent in violet urging, striking the very depths with lightning, revealing our ghosts

And the next day you can never even tell …

What if this feelng had the power to change things?

Would you call me a miracle if I outlasted this horror?

What will it take before you know, some people can be broken

But they never stay down

Where you go, I go

What if this feeling had the power to change things?

20 Replies to “NeverStayDown”

  1. Perhaps it still does. Love is stronger than anything, even if it only exists in a cocoon, that shelter can see is through any adversity.
    Stay strong.

  2. You’ve written another powerful piece Candice. The inner well you draw from is deep, and robust.

    And I loved your live readings. It came across so clearly that poetry means the universe to you. I also wanted to comment on the last blog, re your medical condition, although I’m not sure what to say, except please keep telling it like it is. (To quote your tribute to Kelsey Hontz). Maybe the strength of your feeling can change things.

  3. Thank you so much for these words dear one. I do think there is always hope. I wasn’t prepared for this at my age. But I know it could be much worse. Thank you for saying you liked my live read. It was the first one i’ve ever done. Aside the bad lighting that made me look a bit older than I do, which isn’t such a bad thing really, I was happy with doing an ok job, I mostly wanted to support SMITTEN and Pride Month. I hadn’t ever done a live reading because of a stalker I had, but I decided life is short! Thank you for watching it, I really, really appreciate that and you

  4. Well you know me, I’m an optimist and good at having faith for others, but not so much for myself so sometimes you have to imagine what if!

  5. Dearest Andrew, thank you for reading and for thinking so, that means a great deal to me. I appreciate you

  6. I think you’ve hit on the mantra for my whole life now. It’s not just the resolution to survive another day but the question “what if I do?” Curiosity keeps me alive.

  7. That is a good reason to stay alive. I used to be the most curious person I know. I think the shroud of disappointment has kicked that in the teeth, but I agree, it is not enough to survive but to thrive somehow.

  8. That would you be you and your good heart and me and my faith in your writing

  9. True, and wider community than that, like Indie Blu(e) for instance. I once asked a client what had worked in her treatment program. She said, “You had faith in me, that I could do it.”

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