Older people used to tell me how time goes faster for every year
I think it is more that we let time go on, doing nothing to change our course
where before we would have done more to reach the point, we were seeking
what causes this I don’t know, maybe youth is intense, more packed into a year
maybe we stop believing we can change, or get lazy, or preoccupied or led by fear
I wasn’t very old when I learned fear can stop the neediest heart and leave her all alone
staring at walls in a black dress
eventually a day comes we see we have spent a long time watching for ships
as years passed by and we got into a rut of our own invention
it stuns me we can stay still for so long, neglecting our wants, our needs
as if they do not exist, pushing them down, hiding their force
just as we deny their existence, they surface and it’s like no time has passed
we are the same passionate creature we were before we forgot how
only older without much wisdom, just the feeling we didn’t do enough
for some of that may be vanity, our finite lives, the idea of a beginning and end
some of it may be true, who we thought we would be, or never considered
I envy those people who set a straight arrow and shoot and never seem to miss
not all of us are that precise or insightful or calculated
I drifted, partly because of distractions, partly out of inertia or sadness or a feeling of loss before I gained
acting like I had all the time in the world, that things would come still come my way
when everyone knows as you get older it gets harder
to generate that spark, that kindling, that damn irresistible flame
I’m also guilty of trying to assuage fear and you cannot live for such things
you must be bold or if not, pretend you are, for nothing, nothing was ever found by a coward
I have been afraid a long time, I have not trusted myself or my ability to survive without safety nets and hesitation
there was this picture in my mind of me
old and alone in poverty and I ran from that as if it were the cross
so much so I didn’t consider if my choices were really mine
or I was just responding to anxiety about something that may never come to pass
and you
the attention I gave you
all these years
were not spent wisely
for when it ended, I got nothing in return
nothing at all to show
it was in that way, a real error on my part
nobody likes to pour themselves inside out for someone
only to find it all goes up in smoke
I can’t say you were my undoing because
we have choices, but I definitely wasted myself on you
who could cut me out of your world like I was a paper doll
all the emotion I had, that was wasted too
there is nothing worse than feeling you gave everything and still it wasn’t enough
so forgive me if I feel bitter about that.
…
When we stand still, we calcify but don’t always turn hard
I still remember the feeling of dancing and wanting and longing
I remember thinking maybe life doesn’t have to be so beige
and un-passionate, that it can be wisteria
maybe life can be the way I feel now at this exact moment
imagining what it would feel like kissing you until our lips grew sore
despite so many people in this world it is not easy
to stare across a room and find
your familiar, the one who moves your blood
but I thought I found it in you, from the very first
Probably I was mistaken, it seems like risks are only suited to certain players
but tell me, if I was wrong, then why do I hold such indelible feelings?
why do I not walk away when it seems, the logical thing to do
when I close my eyes I see your face
I long to hold your hand and feel the light pulse in your small wrist
except if things were meant to be
they’d fit and you’d feel the same way, not be unmoved by chemistry
perhaps it is the story of my life
to find it so hard to fall and when I do, land on my face
perhaps I am not meant to be in someone’s arms
held, worshiped and adored, as you once said
was that a brush-off or just the truth?
who knows anymore it almost doesn’t matter
because I have tasted disregard many times in my life
to the point of knowing all the flavors it comes in
and if you don’t share my feelings
if I don’t make you want to jump up and run to me
if you don’t stay awake at night, your heart thundering
then I am not going to try to woo you
and I don’t want to be the girl, who has to try twice as hard
not when it comes to emotions, they either exist or they don’t
it just seems an irony, I pluck up courage and make a fool of myself
I was once told I should go find someone who’d be crazy about me
if that were possible maybe I would
but you’d be surprised what exists
and what does not
in this funny world of
lonely hearts
I sat with this for a long time, debating on how to comment… I’m still unsure of the right words to say, but this…
“nobody likes to pour themselves inside out for someone
only to find it all goes up in smoke
I can’t say you were my undoing because
we have choices, but I definitely wasted myself on you
who could cut me out of your world like I was a paper doll
all the emotion I had, that was wasted too
there is nothing worse than feeling you gave everything and still it wasn’t enough
so forgive me if I feel bitter about that.”
I wish I did not understand it so well.
Write it out and there it is.
Oh love. This is amazing. So many thoughts surrounding this one. But I can say that the people who really matter — the ones that deserve our attention — are going to be there for you when you need them. Not when it’s convenient for them. 💖
Perhaps, love entirely unrequited is better than love only half requited, or outright rejection a less chronic pain than passionless disregard.
Reblogged this on cabbagesandkings524 and commented:
TheFeatheredSleep – Time spent on love unrequited.
Oh WOW, I loved this. The first part of the poem felt a little like looking in the mirror. I don’t have many regrets in my life but you interpretation of ‘time goes faster for every year’ and ‘we stop believing we can change’ so true. Then the second verse a reminder of what affect life has when trying to navigate through love; sad but essential. I really beautiful piece.
You know, I have a thing for vintage stuff and writing and this connected me to that somehow. Picture and words everything was impeccable!
Wisteria is so beautiful – soft, graceful, fragrant, elegant. It creates an interesting counterpoint to this poem.
Every line I feel like I’ve taken a step in your shoes. Loved this! “it stuns me we can stay still for so long, neglecting our wants, our needs” and this line hit for me the most. I feel like I didn’t really wake up until I was in my late 40s. Beautiful piece, Candice! <3
I don’t think I did either my friend. I may still be sleeping in some ways ;)Seriously though. We do spend an awful long time neglecting our wants. It does us no good. It is wonderful you have flown from that place, the authenticity it brings will expand your soul I’m certain of it.
Yes, full speed ahead to the land of “life according to Susi!” 😉