Seven years I let myself formulate excuses
not to return
and on the eighth
guilt had made her way into my closed heart
laying a light ribbon on the frayed part
 
going back was like being reborn
as yourself and not yourself at all
I walked familiar streets, spoke similar words
accent hardly altered
as if no time had passed
and so they said
you look exactly the same
though they were changed and I were changed
all altered irrevocably with time worn stain
as if glass no longer could be relied upon
to give accurately our real prescription
even friends were foreign handed
or I no longer of that land
left behind when things were too sad
I sealed the bottle and set adrift
seven years of absence builds
many barnacles to anyone’s vision
when the damned see the truth
the liars remove their seaweed masks
curtsy finely and pronounce
we did our part
exit stage left
standing on warm boards of the theater of pretend
where dance and energy has dissipated
into cloven wings
hear me now
shadows of my past
the girl with the big smile
her perfect fine figured mouth
and matching dragon tooth skirt
as if we dressed together in the darkness
of one another
except she is a mother and
I have a cut-out womb ebbing in formaldyade
don’t worry I feel no pain now
some of us are bearly hanging on
what good would a child of weakness
bring the sorrow further inland?
I miss her
like I write letters in wax to myself
those over easy days we knew who we were
or felt … some approximation of reality
good enough for then
when she looked at me
unequal teeth smiling and needing
how did the splinter drive that deeply?
wedge like sword between this time and before?
we know nothing of the other
as a blue bottle
cast on green and yellow water
will wait
seven years
to reach shore
when I climbed out and dusted myself off
she was gone
her footprints erased from the sand
nobody recognized me
only the echoes of an angry sea
calling me back to exile
whispering
you do not belong here 
and the white cliffs looked relieved
when I flew overhead
my heart aching with loss
the cheer of relief
like a season
changing from golden red to
brown

0 Replies to “Seven years”

    1. Dear One, I just got back from that exact emotion so I totally hear you, and I know it’s really hard to put it into words or explain to others, what you are feeling, so you feel even more alone. Just know, you are not alone, others understand a little of this and it’s a sign you care (or did once) and going back is HARD! I wish for better days ahead for you my friend. This will pass.

      1. Thank you so much! I keep telling myself it will pass, it’s always so hard to believe when you’re in the middle! So it was perfect for you to reiterate my thoughts in such a beautiful way. 💐 I hope you’re okay too!

          1. That’s what friends are for. I forget this sometimes because I have had some negative experiences but for the most part I believe in friendship especially when two like minded souls have things in common xo

  1. Will read and read again and again! Single lines take my breath away. I need the space between the lines to meditate on your powerful, beautiful, and heart touching writing! Thank you for sharing your amazing gifts!

  2. This is so filled with pain of parting… there are times I wonder too of what happened in the past, who did what… sometimes it’s like travelling without a map, and when you find something familiar it looks exactly the same, yet it’s all different.

    1. Ah my friend, you are so right I especially like the part about ‘traveling without a map’ as I think this is so true and very much the journey of emotions as well as physical journey. Thank you so much my friend for reading. You know I really cherish your writing. I hope New Year 2017 is being good to you. xo

  3. I feel your pain Candice.. in every line, its etched out like a deep grove forever dug out like a name calved in a tree.. It may fade as time and the weather do its work.. But its still there growing further up the tree each year a little higher to reach.. But still embedded..
    Love and Blessings dear Candice.. Sending love for 2017..
    Sue <3

  4. “we know nothing of the other
    as a blue bottle
    cast on green and yellow water
    will wait”
    Beautiful.

  5. Enjoyed this poem. It reminds me of Miranda Lambert’s song, The House that Built Me!
    Aging is a nasty critter at times that has to be made a friend since there is no other choice that keeps our feet on the ground! I liked all of your poems today.
    Dwight

    1. Oh I love that song! What a compliment! I must now listen! If you have a chance, watch Joan Baez 75th anniversary show where she sings with others, it’s so lovely. xo Thank you Dwight

    1. Beautiful girl, I must say, ‘grief is suckling’ is a great line, but you are a great writer, and it’s one of many reasons you are so lovely. If you want to feel hopeful today – google Joan Baez 75th concert where she sings with others – it’s so life affirming it will lift you my girl xo

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