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Before
is a color I cannot describe
a place I don’t fit into anymore.
 
Even if I am restored
things will be changed for good
for most of us there are times
that shape our marrow
could be in the form of torment
maybe sorrow, sometimes joy
often the hardest times leave deepest imprint
perhaps it shouldn’t be that way
we should rejoice our luck a little, usually too busy enjoying ourselves
to leave permanent mark or maybe, challenge speaks louder than mirth
it is easy to accept a good day like a hot bath
than deal with a bad and hollow foe
that’s when our quick is sharpened,the story of our lives written
on the tip-toe of endurance
and what if we do not want to endure?
too bad, shit happens, legs break, minds crack
we’re going to end up there at some point
better waterproof our leaking sides best we can
the ocean isn’t a forgiving mistress.
 
When I fell, my mouth filled with salt
even then I didn’t know how far torment, reached down
it was a well, beneath the sea
a second drowning
for those who long to be free above ground
shackles of the merciless kind
only then I wondered at the strength of others
enduring from such an early age whilst I
ran long in the garden, unawares, chasing butterflies without a care
thinking I knew real pain from a momentary hurt
I knew so little
just a moment ago and a life time apart.
 
I am a twin of my previous self
we stand on different sides of the same coin
I am submerged, she is still, basking in the glow of a harvest moon
sometimes I look over at her and feel such envy
anger for my lack of appreciation when I, was her
but you cannot lead a horse to water
you cannot teach a child what she must learn
getting stung on the principle, she discovers through pain
it wasn’t in my thoughts that I should be
the girl on the other side of the echo, pleading to return
I don’t know if I will be permitted
but should I ever, walk again without curse
it won’t be as the same person, but a mixture of two
once you’ve seen yourself and begged for mercy
everything alters and everything stays the same
it’s up to you to be mindful of what you learned in that maze of pain
I learned what we think of as hardship
is often just everyday life
what we believe is suffering
can be comfort compared to other lives
when we don’t think we can change
then we aren’t given a chance, we know we should have
it is in diminishment we find elucidation
it is in horror we see truth.
 
Let me back inside my life again
and I will not be the girl who, took the easy road
for she now knows, just how deep anguish can go
it is in the tangle of the briar
and the wormwood of old trees
whispering advice never heeded
by the youth who believe themselves free.
 
Before
is a color I cannot describe
a place I don’t fit into anymore
 
 

23 Replies to “It is in horror, we see truth”

  1. Pleasure and ease say “More of the same.”
    Pain says “Change, Learn!”
    Suddenly walking barefoot on sharp stones
    We know the why of shoes as not before.

  2. Our weakest moments seems most bleak because we’re in them at that time…
    It isn’t meant to last forever.
    It won’t.
    You know what your words do, you’ve done it again with them.

  3. Deeply profound! You have crossed to the other side of pain, a world so very different from that which you or I knew before or believed we’d ever leave. πŸ™‚ <3 xoxoxo

  4. I love this one and I don’t love this one. and then I love it all over again…. cuz its your story…your life…and its not over… and I love your life….your passions…your strength when you think have none… but you crawl …you fight… you remember who you are ultimately even if you think you are not her anymore ..you are her…. you have always been her. love you sister dear. P

  5. I know this one very well, and am with you here. You describe this “place” accurately. We’re all changed by suffering and most always for the better. Sending hugs, Candice….in empathy. πŸ’ž

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