photo of two women
Photo by Mahrael Boutros on

But I am divided. In a way that is hard to shape into words.

For women who love women are often the rarest night birds.

Theirs is a love that does not come easily and for this reason, it takes a great deal to stay

Sure and certain on the rainbow path.

Sometimes I understand my bisexual sisters, who having had their love affair with the curves and softness of a woman

Return to their husbands in droves or pick out that wedding dress and let the man

carry them over the threshold.

For a woman to be loved by a woman may feel natural but many times it is a struggle

we have no rule book, we may both want to have the other carry us or hold us when

fear besets

and men are so good at being heroes

and women are taught to be saved and rescued.

I understand then, the desire for a woman and the longing for less strife

where if you have children it is sometimes impossible to find a way to describe

why you leave daddy for a second mommy and how

fractures in emotions are not easily translated for young minds.

Had I children, who is to say I would have been brave enough? Equally it is part why

I never did.

My sacrifice came because I saw no other way

for it was never as it felt in the arms of someone of the same gender

and in that I am unusual and possibly 1 or 2 percent of the entire world

though it will seem more during Gay Pride and other events

where everyone holds a rainbow and joins in.

Only the days when we are not celebrating, we may be struggling

to fit in with even each other, strange as we may be, these women who

in various guise and costume

fall in love with other women.

I don’t get on well I admit, with those who believe the only true lesbian

is one who shaves her head and dons mens clothes.

It is not that I cannot see their point, or how many years before

it may have been the only choice

but I did not fight this hard to dress as a man and love a woman

who is also dressed as a man.

I would rather pick a full cheeked feminine boy with long hair

and pretend he had nothing between his legs than sell out my own idea

that love of a woman is as feminine as it gets

and we shall share each others’ dresses.

Our history has been unkind and as such, we do not trust very easily

if at all and when we do, we are liable to judge or leave out and exclude many of our tribe

just as women have done for millennia in their pursuit of men

hated other women for existing and challenging that thin mesh of safety.

It saddens me then, to be ostracized when I walk into a gay bar

and do not fit in, or feel judged by my sisters whom I want to

take into my arms and feel less lonely by.

This is but one aspect of the kalidoscope of being the L in the LGBTQ and

few of your G’s and B’s and T’s and Q’s will rush to your defense

we are co-opted in a group who really knows little of the other

for we are as disparate and different as it gets and often we walk

alone, despite our legal rights and our social acceptance (some of the time).

Alone because we cannot befriend a straight woman for she may

wonder if we would fall in love with her (and quite possibly might)

nor a gay woman for her girlfriend will begrudge us, nor a gay man

as they have often hated women and especially those who forsake

men, there is nothing in common there, and straight men will

try to tell us we just need a good f**king and we’ll soon change our

ways so who is left?Β  In the great wide world to be close to and share?

Those fears and our desires, the very stories of our lives

for whom 98 percent of the world cares not, they have their

1.5 children and ideas of normalcy and we don’t fit well enough.

Sometimes, how much I want to tell someone

of the love I have for a woman and the stillness of night

when we move together and how I catch my breath as

she turns like a thimble in my hands, silver against moonlight.

So quiet instead we are, often falling in love and unable

to share this or speak of it, for it is forbidden. No one will

listen, or be interested, they do not understand our strange ways.

Still in this day and this time we are shadows within

light and light within shadows picking our way through

mostly eaten strawberry fields, dreaming of a girl

who may like ourselves be wandering, looking for

a girl like herself who has only ever wanted to be

held tightly and hear the slow beat of a girls heart feel

the rise and fall of her soft breasts and know

she is where she belongs and needed every bit

as much as her own thirsty heart longs

in the early hours and late at night like the lonely

wolf who by himself will climb to highest point

in futile search of another’s call.

33 Replies to “Her own thirsty heart”

  1. And out of all that, you give us SMITTEN in addition to your own beautiful (even when painful) telling of such love. As often, I am in awe.

  2. Thank you Bob. This DID inspire SMITTEN. There is such a loneliness to being a minority within a minority, wondering why you feel differently to the vast majority, not wanting to but being unable not to. I hope if someone ever feels as I did, that they could read SMITTEN and it would change that a little. That was my impetus. I do so appreciate you.

  3. This is immense….my first born has a life questioning the same find. When you gift a heart w/your best intent & make a choice to awaken the voice w/in [be it children/kin]….limited is knowledge to share when living in such a society full of dis-care…..this world is rushed into utter chaos & for some of us old goats [i speak, to joke] need to take that stand and shake them if they need be awoke. It’s a group to give the helping hand but you are right…each individual is right in ever stance. It’s not who’s hand you are to love it’s HOW you are to SHARE what you’ve always dreamed. Not strangle out difference with some flippant poke. It’s where we put the focus to help others who feel less of the hope……give them the care that you had so hoped! Being treated by a DR. goes under the same care. A transgender male is very different than female and so goes to show those who are born w/different lined up chromosomes. That’s what it resembles of what you speak of to which you know. Much love on your quest …create more people with loving care by smiling back when they look scared……they were brainwashed & some clearly unfair…..wink at them ;] and know… all due time[hugs] really touched me softly w/this expression….

  4. “for we are as disparate and different as it gets and often we walk
    alone, despite our legal rights and our social acceptance” It saddens
    me that so many years after coming out things are still this way.
    Beautifully written

  5. I appreciate you reading this and letting me know your thoughts. It saddens me that we have to fight among our own, just to feel normal. Maybe feeling normal is over-rated but it can be a succor against the hardship of existing sometimes that we all crave πŸ™‚ Thank you again so much

  6. Thank you so much for reblogging this Ruth. I did not think anyone would ‘get’ it or feel it and I am so glad it touched someone in some way. I almost didn’t post it. Sometimes the truth isn’t very popular! Especially about love between women. The real kind.

  7. Gosh thank you so much for writing this and reading my humble thoughts on the subject. I do feel it is a neglected and often ignored subject and there are people out there who really don’t have voices which is why I wanted to do SMITTEN the forthcoming anthology so much so that those voices could be heard. I really, really appreciate you reading and letting me know your thoughts. You are so right about the focus and hope. I did laugh at ‘flippant poke’ that was good! πŸ˜‰ Thank you – to know someone did read and think on this is all I really aimed for. xo

  8. The comments on this post kinda sum up my own feelings and I hope they give you strength. Your poetry is sublime and I love your honesty, perception and integrity. πŸ˜€

  9. Beautifully written. I read without stopping and even though I am a straight woman I understand what you write and say. It’s a struggle for everyone!

  10. Dearest Yassy. I think if I struck a chord with a straight woman that says a lot that is right and I know it can be a universal feeling or message and I’m so glad you read this I really appreciate it – the best compliment is when someone who is not in the group you are writing about, still gets something out of it. Thank you so much Yassy.

  11. Oh gosh Charlie thank you so much my dear friend for your words of encouragement they mean everything. To get a ‘sublime’ really made me grin from ear to ear!

Comments are closed.