There you are
picture yourself
standing in a vacated room
the walls are nondescript
from the window comes a little wan sun
hardly enough for warmth
you pull yourself closer
recalling how as a child
sitting on old iron radiators in winter
they’d say you’d develop hemorrhoids
in those days
the sound of scuffed shoes running for class bell
figuring you had a few moments yet
to stare out at brick and cement
stretch out reverie
a voice inside your head
surely this isn’t all there is?
you made a pact with yourself
to get the hell out
whatever it took
gathering your books
mindful of their ticket
you forgot yourself in dream
walking past the classroom
after all
learning is better in the mind
than grind of chalk on board
some boy kicking you in the back
with sweaty socks
you knew even then
this was but a stepping stone
though if asked you couldn’t say
what of the grim facade urged you most
to escape
and now
all these years later
more alone than that day
when covered by childhoods vigor
and the smell of something better
just around the corner
hope has been sore in her visits
silence too often your friend
as we fall one by one out of the egg carton
we are without wings
without safety harnesses
all the others found places
in busy lives, babies, families, jobs
the weave and knot of life
whilst you stood watching out of the window
expecting to fly
now in shallow rooms
artifice has left her scent
they tell you the last one has passed over
you feel it in the curve of your chest
no more hands to scoop you back
from your leaning motion to find
somewhere to breathe
where trees are ever green
sunlight full on face
obscuring all trace of bleak homes
terraced and hollow
where you can hear the flush of
neighbors loud toilet
piercing cry of another
born into fitful times
where you never understood
your own role
just the fallacy of drowning sorrows
sundays in the bar
knocking back glasses of regret
nothing could spur you faster
toward wide open space where
no trace of sorrowful city remained
and wherever you go
there you are
still back against the wall
still with the locked door
school girl tights bunched in your mouth
hearing muffled voices
discussing your inability to speak
how long can you hold your tongue girl?
before the need to scream
and in one howl you swallow yourself
all the disappointment
all the lost chances
breaking through cloud
fast diminishing in oboe sky
open the storeroom of your mind
clear out those long stored hurts
preserved in obscura
you may feel you have nothing
but in the sundering fall of flight
we find again our urge
never to quite escape
perhaps more a reinterpretation
carrying on no more alone than before
for we are born crying in singular pitch
in each step grow further to our end
it is in the humility of knowing this
we find our greater

0 Replies to “Greater solace”

    1. Dear Amitav, thank you so much I am honored and humbled by your kindness and compliment, I really appreciate that. I did put a lot into this one, and tried hard to convey an entire lifetime of emotion it wasn’t easy and I’m glad it came across!

  1. I interpret this magnificent poem as someone who before in past times. Had experience sadness from losing a close friend, things in life that have left us with painful memories and yet now, we find solace in life itself and the here now with, the one’s love and are close too.
    I hope I did get and understood this poem correctly. It’s what I got from it. Beautiful poem sis. 🙂 Love you.

    1. Thank you Asmov. I think however we read a poem that’s a right definition for us. From my perspective it was different, it was mostly about a person who has gone through life wondering ‘is this it?’ and feeling that they neither work within the expected mold or know how to get more out of it, and it’s a catharsis that when you are ready to surrender and say ‘ok I’m done’ that’s when you realize the greatest solace is understanding the pretend world for what it is, and not assuming it’s you who sees it wrong.

    1. Thank you so much S, this was a bit more work than usual because it tried to convey an entire story. I really appreciate you reading it and commenting and thinking it worthy. You know how much your words mean to me my friend thank you.

  2. Realizing as Thoreau said that most live Ives of quiet desperation, and seeing that, there is a terrible aloneness, a feeling of living being in a vacant house filled with furniture, yet starkly empty of life. The power finds in her words the watercolors of life, that fill in the details, reassuring herself, and those who read between the lines she is not mad, but knowing in an age where belief has bleached our lives … (PS – played the Oboe for many years, ears can still pick it out in a song or a symphony)

  3. Oh Candice, douce dame, votre écriture devient de mieux en mieux. Cette pièce est stellaire, une vraie bombe de vérité, pour tant d’entre nous. La vie a un moyen de nous mettre à genoux et de nous briser encore et encore. Et dans ces moments où je suis totalement découragé dans ma déchirure, je réfléchis à la signification de tout cela et pourquoi je devrais continuer. Ironiquement, il ya eu ceux qui ont regardé ma vie de l’extérieur dans et m’a dit que j’ai la vie parfaite. Et malheureusement, ils pensent que cela leur donne le droit de rejeter toute la déception que j’ai fait face, la douleur que j’ai enduré, et les pertes que j’ai dû accepter. Et il y avait un temps où j’étais tellement découragé de telles choses et le statu quo, que j’ai même envisagé de jeter la serviette. Alors pourquoi je me relève encore et encore et mettre un pied devant l’autre et la tête vers le haut et vers l’avant? Parce que quelque part entre le chagrin, la douleur, et les pertes sont venus quelques moments extrêmement exquis. Pas parfaits, ni durables, mais exquises qui ont ravi mon âme. Des moments qui m’ont rempli d’espoir et d’attente pour qu’ils puissent revenir. De plus, je refuse absolument de me laisser influencer par ce qui m’a brisé. Ce n’est pas ce que je suis; C’est tout simplement ce qui m’arrive ou ce qui ne m’arrive pas. Parce que c’est pour vos yeux seulement et c’est quelque chose que je ne partage pas avec beaucoup de gens, je vais traduire cela en français. Je t’aime, Natalie 🙂 <3

      1. Sorry for the delay. I am paranoid about my French grammar it’s pretty bad these days and I’m not feeling up to double-checking myself which I know is lax but … you know how it is, I will write this in English for that reason. Thank you for your kind words. It’s been a hard time. i wish I could say it hasn’t. But I feel despite this, grateful, when I see how many people suffer I know I’m just one of many and the only thing that makes sense is to hold up the light and be the change you want to be. Also, I do believe in being a good person, not because you ‘have to’ but because I want to. At times I get mad at people who turn that against me, but I realize it’s because they are suspicious of anyone who is ‘just nice’ in a world where so many are not. Finally, I think it’s harder to be good than it is to be a son of a gun, and I tire sometimes of how easy it is for some to crush you. I felt very crushed by people especially when a ‘friend’ told me the reason some people had chosen to not keep in touch was ‘obviously something to do with me’ because that reminded me of sad things and I felt it was a really low blow. Later I realized when someone wounds you with your own confidences to them, not only are they a person without goodness, for reaching that low, but they are hurting and have been hurt to even come up with that. So I have tried to move on. It is just a struggle. If I didn’t have ‘depression’ then I think I’d do a really good job of it! I am after all a believer in goodness. Depression though is like a cloud or a fog, and it’s hard to see straight when it’s in front of you. This year I have told myself i need to do my utmost inspite of that, because you never know how long you have, and you should be grateful for every day of it. I credit you for much of that my friend. You are a positive light in my life and I feel very, very grateful for you. Moreover you teach me the value of contentment and appreciation. In turn please know in me you have a lifelong friend, I feel very blessed to know you and I care about you. The other day I was feeling sorry for myself thinking I did not have many TX based friends wishing more lived nearby, when I realized, it’s not the location, I mean sure, to some extent, but truly it is the intention. You have been so good to me, I could not ever ask for more and you have actually made my life better. I know I’m not the only one – so remember that my dear friend.

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