In the New Year I am going to do something drastic. I’m going to close all my social media down and take the majority of my books/work offline/out of bookstores. The work that will remain is what I’m most proud of; SMITTEN This Is What Love Looks Like (an anthology, 2019), We Will Not Be Silenced (one of 4 editors/contributors, 2018) and Pinch the Lock (Finishing Line Press, 2016).

When I began, I really believed I could contribute something valuable to the world through the medium of writing. I saw many other people trying but I did not know how many and since 2015 I have seen that there is a glut of people all self-publishing, indie publishing, small press publishing, all with the same ‘dream’ of being a legit writer. Mostly wasting hours on social media futilely. I realize 99.9 percent will never be. The only ones who can do it are those on disability, who get a cheque without needing to work, or supported by husband/wife/family or you’re a retiree. If you DO have to work for a living then it’s rare you can put in enough work to even get to the indie publishing stage.

There are exceptions. One of my real friends whom I did meet on social media works full time and is one of the hardest workers I know. She will succeed I have no doubt about it. She goes home from a hard days work and produces consistently some of the best work I’ve read online. People like her are rare. They are one in a million. Others have the talent to do it but it will depend upon if they have the time to make it happen (you know who you are) but the vast majority have neither the talent, nor the ability to make it happen.

When I began writing I thought I was a pretty good writer. When you read some of the stuff online it’s easy to see why I thought that, a lot of it is really poor quality. On the other hand you need to be either absolutely brilliant or someone who is in the know, to get a really big publisher. I am neither absolutely brilliant nor ever going to be someone who is in the know/networked up to the hilt. Even those who everyone talks about as having a ‘good publisher’ actually don’t. They just secretly vanity press pay or exaggerate how much they actually earn. To earn a living wage as a writer unless you are an editor, it’s the 1 percent of the 1 percent.

I don’t want to be an editor. It’s a thankless job and underpaid. I have qualifications and I am going to use those and return to my previous career, hard as it is, it can earn me what I will need to take care of myself in the future. Maybe no job will be different, maybe I will always be taken for granted and used but I want to do it on my own terms. I have always supported myself from the age of 18 and I always will until I cannot any longer. I have never had any help.

Lastly, most of you don’t know but I was recently diagnosed with a very serious eye-condition that means I am losing my sight. I realize I have to adjust NOW rather than when it is completely gone. I doubt I will still want to live if I go completely blind and I have decided if that day comes I will elect for euthanasia as I am not someone who wishes to live as a completely blind person. Especially as I have no family who will care for me. However, if that day doesn’t come or it gives me 20 more years, (which is unlikely) I still need to change my life to ensure my eyes do not worsen.

As some of you know I had battled a serious illness in 2017 which radically changed my life. It was caused by a virus and I am still sick with it but I have learned to live with it and am high functioning despite it not having completely gone. I believe it will one day completely go but it is a long painful battle. I thought that was enough to deal with but in addition to this my mother told me she no longer wanted me in her life ever again. She and I have had our ups and downs but naively I thought as she aged we would get closer. I have always loved her very much even though she was not in my life that much. When she told me this during my illness, effectively kicking me when I was down, it was the last straw. She knew she’d hurt me as badly as she could ever hope for. She succeeded. To protect myself I accepted what she said and have tried to get on with my life knowing she will not be part of it. It has hardened me and I am bitter about it but I will never be as cruel to someone else as that. I will never succumb to cruelty to deal with my own pain.

On a positive note, I am stronger for all of this. But having the eye sight issue on TOP of all of the above, was just too much. I do have it in me to change my life. I have decided to once more change my life. I am not going to carry around the rejection, fear and grief of her hate of me or anything else, anymore. When I began my blog/writing in 2015 I felt it was a chance to try my hand at writing. I don’t regret doing that but I see now realistically I have to move on.

If you know me, truly know me, and have my number and my address and we talk, then I am bound to call you real friend and will keep in touch. When you get sick you realize who your friends are and it is a good clarity. For those of you I call friends thank you for your friendship and I hope we keep in touch. We may not as we may no longer have anything in common but I wish you all much success.

SMITTEN will be my last personal project in the publishing world for the foreseeable future, although I have also been involved in YOU DON’T LOOK SICK and hope Indie Blu(e) recognizes me for that when it is published next year. SMITTEN is a wonderful ending to this chapter in my life. It is a testimony to the talent of women when they come together. Just because we are minorities doesn’t mean we support each other and lift each other up. I hope projects like SMITTEN help future women do JUST THAT because THAT is what is needed. We need to be good to one another! To support one another!

I want to personally thank the following whom I have met on WP for their loyalty, friendship, goodness and inspiration. I think you are incredible human beings; Mark. Eric. Derrick. Bob. Crystal. Erik. Jane. Karen. Raili, Rita. Susi. Anthony. Laurie, Tony. Nicole. Tara. Helena. Philip. Sarah. Tremaine & Monique. Thank you to Christine and Kindra for letting me work for Indie Blu(e) I really hope all the work I did helped and you succeed. Rita.

RIP Natalie Scarberry you are loved.

Thank you to anyone who read anything of mine. I appreciate you. I wish you only the best.

Candice Louisa Daquin

61 Replies to “Goodbye for now”

  1. Don’t give it up! You only get one bite at the cherry. I know it’s not my business but I read your blog and you’re very good, so don’t give up on your dreams.
    Sorry if I’m poking my nose in 😊

  2. You are the master of your own fate, and if your heart and mind are telling you to step away, no matter how indefinitely, then that is something you should do. And that decision should be deeply understood and respected by those closest to you. You are a phenomenal writer. I’ve read you from ages from afar and always admired your immense gift. You will be missed but bravo for giving yourself permission to disengage with areas of your life that are distracting or toxic. Sometimes life hands us agony in increments, other times it’s in spades. I myself have taken brief sabbaticals from social media and wordpress – to regain composure and reassess my purpose. It hurt my heart reading about your experience with your mother. Our mothers are such a vulnerable, intense piece of ourselves. Especially for women. I have a mother who has “abandoned” me before, and kicked me when I was at my weakness. I came to understand over many tears and rebellions that her rejection of me wasn’t always her intention. It related much more to her own fears of abandonment, and seeing myself in her. She didn’t love herself at times. Anyway – every mother daughter relationship is different and complex but please know that you are an absolute warrior for continuing to get up every day and thrive to the best of your ability, despite an illness and matriarchal relationship that is deeply hurtful to you. You are worthy. You are gifted. You take care. ❤

  3. We don’t do goodbyes. I am here offline and in your life and will be, if that’s what you want. You know that. Thank you for your encouragement and for giving my work a chance to shine.

    You have to do what is best for you. I believe that. You are loved. Be good to you. *big hugs* 💙

  4. Although I do not always express it the way I should, I see you, I appreciate you, marvel at how hard you work and truly think that you are one of the most gifted writers and editors that I have met. You have inspired many more than you will ever realize.

  5. Wow, Candice, thank you for your honesty and being so real!! I realize I’m a social media friend, but I do wonder if you’re willing to send along your contact info (I have email, and maybe that’s enough, but a cell number would be great) in case I get to Southern CA and we can meet in person someday. I’d love that!
    I am forever grateful for the endless hours you’ve put into SMITTEN! You are one of my sheroes, as I know what it’s like to have a labor of love as an act of service to the world. The illnesses sound intense, and I have had eye concerns too, and know that screen time doesn’t help. I’m glad you’re choosing to take care of yourself. AND while I’ll totally understand if we don’t have contact, I do still hope I can reach you to meet up in the future. I love connection and will give your the biggest gratitude hug ever if I meet you (well, if you like hugs, that is)!
    Thanks again for your vulnerability here and please know how many are touched by all you’ve already put into the world. May the transition of self-care go smoothly and may you know you are loved and appreciated by many.
    Xoxox Jen Sent from my iPhone

  6. to read this, I was tearful- I think you are truly talented and worth of the work you’ve done and will continue to touch many souls. I truly understand your choice- even as hard as it may be, you’ll be missed and thank you for every work of art you’ve ever written. signing off your friend Krissy…

  7. Hey, Candice.
    A very sad post, this one, but you need to do what is right for you.
    You’re right of course about the implausibility of success for most of us trying to make a mark and a market. Writing, alone, is not enough.
    I’m so sorry to hear of your new physical problems. Our eyes and sight are so much.
    I hope good things for you, and don’t forget that you can return when and if that feels right. Nothing is in stone.
    Take care of you.

  8. I’m struggling with many feelings right now understanding the emotions you are facing, knowing you are leaving the public’s eye, the love and praise you have sent in my direction and hearing of yet another upheaval with your physical state. My dear friend, I love you with all my being, please know that I am here for you, whatever your need. ((hugs)) ❤

  9. I feel sad with this, however much I understand the decision. I guess I’ll have to go buy your books so I’ll always have you to read. You are right that SMITTEN is a fitting and hugely valuable curtain closer on this phase of your career. Having had some number of different careers, I know how changes can happen. Just know that you and your writing and encouragement have been a great gift in my venture into blogging.

    1. Yes, I would encourage you to get her books! I’m happy to say that I have all of them now, and I wouldn’t part with them for anything. ❤

  10. Reblogged this on My Sword and Shield…. and commented:
    A dear friend is retiring from the public eye for a while. Words cannot express how much this woman has meant to my life and my writing. My heart goes with her, wherever she travels. This she knows, and thus ever it will be. She will always have my sword and shield at her call.

  11. I sent you a message on FB. I don’t know what to say, other than that you will be so missed. 😦 But you have to do what makes you happy. And I wish you the best forever, and thank you for the time you’ve been here, and everything you’ve given through your writing! xo

  12. While I really don’t “know” you, Candice, I wih you nothing but the best, and that grace may be a guiding force in your life as you bravely move into new chapters. I deeply appreciated your post. I imagine there will be varying degrees of grief in cutitng ties with “who you were,” and what you were putting your time and energy into, and as someone who has been working very diligently, both at the craft of writing and the unflagging pursuit of my dream of “making it” as a writer, I very much understand how it can tax one’s mind, body, soul, and most definitely economic well-being. Simply put: It is a tough fucking racket, one that seems to require a certain level of “craziness” (or grail-chasing) to begin with. Goddess bless you through and through, may your soul know some good juicy jazz!

  13. I enjoyed reading your poetry and I’m sorry you are going. I support you fully because I know how hard it is sometimes to do exactly what you need to do! I wish you the best with your eyesight – and should you wish to ever return to social media – I hope to see you and your writings again! I hope you get to exactly where you are most appreciated!

  14. I’m very sorry for what you have gone though and continue to move through. I wish you all the best, as you walk down a new road. I hope the path you take will be one that gives you everything you are looking for.

  15. I am really sad to read this – especially about your eye condition – I will keep in touch by e-mail and make sure you see my review of SMITTEN, on which I am working. XX Derrick

  16. It’s hard to say that I like this post because I do love your writing, I do believe it is beautiful and unique and will miss it so much. I understand you need to do what is best for you and I will always be here for you. I love you ❤

  17. Writing is hard words and takes time and effort. You have done well. I like the internet. I am connected with many good people. I hope you keep writing. You are amazing. If you read the life of Salinger and Hemingway. Wasn’t easy. Next year I will self-publish. I will find me a good editor and I hope I can do alright. Us, who love to write. I hope you keep your site open. We do learn from each other and I wish you great success in everything you do. Dear Candice, have fun and be safe.

  18. Darling Sister of Mine! I am absolutely grateful for stumbling onto this platform. It led me to YOU, Eric, and a precious few others who are the mainstay of my joy, hope and healing in this crazy world. I will ALWAYS be at your shoulder. I love you. You are a part of my soul ❤️.

    Wherever life takes us, we will remain.

  19. I wish you the very best, I hope you never give up writing completely you do have a rare and beautiful way with words. You are right only when you are ill or disabled by circumstances do you learn who true friends are. Please be well and happy never give up . Good bye and God bless.💜💜

  20. Wow.. I love reading your heart
    your thoughts – your fears – dreams and goals.. you are actually an amazing writer.. it’s all heart and emotion- raw honesty..
    I have always enjoyed your words – smile and cry with them..
    I understand your heart and desire to move on
    I pray for your health and hope it gets better..
    I’m grateful for your inspiration- to let go of the hurt your mom caused – and to try and teach each one of us to live with kindness in all situations..
    You will be missed as you share your inner beauty with others in your endeavors..
    God bless you Candice and thank you for sharing with us all♥️

  21. I’m grateful for the opportunity to have read even a little more of your writing here, and to boost “Smitten” any way I can (just posted a review on Amazon and my print copy arrived today as well). If that’s the last thing I do on social media, I will consider it a worthy effort. Je t’embrasse.

  22. As you turn down a new path on your journey, I hope that you take with you this knowledge — that your writing, with its beauty, and darkness, and light, and passion, and depth, and truths of the human condition, has often touched me in a profound way. I am well-read and have filled myself with good literature and the best poets, and still, I hold you in high regard. When your words can push in so deep as to stroke the soul, you know that you are a true poet. You, my dear, are a brilliant poet. And I thank you for sharing your gift. It has meant a lot to me, and I’m sure to others.

  23. Reading this makes my heart ache. I’m so, so sorry for…everything. I’m familiar with the loss of a parent, even though they’re still alive. I hate that you have had to experience it. I have loved your writing from the moment I discovered it…years ago now. Thank you for sharing it with us. Best of luck to you in whichever direction the universe may take you, and I wish you improved health, and strength in the face of chaos. You’ll be missed here more than you’ll know. 😊

  24. Hi Candice,

    Really sad to know that you health has beein deteriorating and that you are planning to leave writing as well. I really loved reading your poems. Though it saddens me but I can totally understand that this decision is for the best. You have poured your heart into writing for all these years and now it is just that you take time for all the other aspect of your life that have been suffering. I hope that life treats you better. Wishing the best for you and your health and your future. May you do well in any field that you plan to venture into.
    Lots of love 🙂 Will miss you and your writing a lot 🙂 xoxo

  25. Oh my goodness what a sad post! I am so sorry to hear I will have to miss your amazing poetry: I truly think you are one of the best gay poets I’ve read in a long time, and I’m so grateful to have stumbled upon you at WordPress. But I deeply hear that you need to make some big, healthy changes, so of course I support that 100%. You’re amazing; I can’t wait for my SMITTEN to arrive, and I wish you nothing but the best for the future. With respect, solidarity and love, G in Oz 🌈❤️🌈

  26. You will be missed here. I do hope you will be back. But we all must do what we need to do. I do hope and pray for good things and good health to come your way.

  27. First of all We all must do the best we can and will to
    survive and if at all possible even thrive.. Seen Hardships
    too of course Fortunate enough to Rise above Illness that no
    one offered any hope except a big difference my Mother/Sister/Wife Never
    Gave up on me.. Love
    Support is the Greatest
    Support and without it
    the root cause of our
    Soul’s Discontent
    no matter
    what Disability
    comes along except
    for a Worst Disability
    A Blindness now of Feeling
    Nothing But Pain and Numb
    And Love is impossible to feel
    Where Pain… Even the Worst
    Pain assessed to Humankind
    is a Breeze compared to being
    Nowhere at all.. but forever
    time.. i’ve enjoyed coming
    to visit Your Darker Side
    Your Challenges
    and the LIght
    of Your Life
    You’ve Shared too…
    Candice the Feathered Sleep…
    for while you may be losing Your Eyesight
    to Disease what you have brought is views into
    Areas of the Soul and Life in General that most people
    don’t know exists.. some folks are interested in what they
    have not seen of existence and others Shy Away in Cocoons
    Afraid of the Dark Yet Never Really Finding Light out of Dark in Life…
    This isn’t one of those responses instantaneous for me.. for you know
    it is not always our Close Friends or even Acquaintances who Influence
    us most for it may be the Silent Reader who does not have anything to give
    at all that may be influenced in Life Changing ways that you may never hear about
    at all for sure
    some folks
    their Words
    are fancy enough
    to hear among ‘the Greats’
    as some of the ‘smaller’ people
    in life who are never smaller see you
    as here.. i am very Fortunate to even be
    Alive even more Fortunate enough to be
    Loved and even more fortunate enough to
    Rise out of 66 Months of Shut-in Illness
    and with someway somehow even
    be named a Legend of ‘Folk
    Dance’ in my Area
    where all i was
    doing was
    saving my Living
    Soul With Therapy
    of ‘Crazy’ Dance to get
    all of that out the writing truly
    connecting my words back with
    emotions is what saved my life
    for i did not live living for 66 Months..
    i am not ashamed of my Bi-polar Disorder
    i am not ashamed of my Asperger’s Syndrome
    For i have Broken the Chains of the Challenges
    of Both i am quite pleased that after 33 Years of
    giving my all to Jobs where all i was really considered
    was a valuable commodity and not even human yes i have
    no qualms with what both the Retirement System and Social
    Safety Net of Society Gives back to me.. Money has never been
    my God having enough is all i need.. and even if someone wanted
    to publish me haha which is impossible anyway for there is no HUGE Target
    Audience for Truly Original Creativity and that’s the thing no matter
    how talented you are if what you do is original totally new with no
    Target Audience there is no way in hell you will ever be
    able to sell that no matter how many Van Gogh’s
    And others continue to Starve to Death
    And Cut their Ear off with the
    Madness that is
    With Creativity
    too.. what is left
    though is the Art for
    Art lives for others most
    to carry on the Souls of those
    who Create the Art in my opinion
    it doesn’t matter who Sees the Art
    it is the survival of the Artist’s Soul that
    is Paramount to existence at all i really
    can’t imagine much worse circumstances
    in Life than to Go Blind as a Naturally Visual
    Thinker before i ever wrote the Gift of a Creative
    Word.. However Blindness of Heart Spirit and Soul
    Surely Ranks up there with Challenges of this Life now..
    Anyway no matter if we are close friends or not the Art
    of Your Soul Carries on in mine.. that is the Greatest Gift i see in life to give and share..
    Perhaps one day we’ll ALL LEarn to give and share more without Money as Robots are eventually
    taking most all the Jobs away if not We will Most ALL LiVE iN Desert Scarcity of Blood and Guts again
    A World
    of Free
    Love to give
    and share will
    be so much nicer
    if people will fill themselves
    up inside without getting it from
    consuming the Earth and People and Others So Far out of Balance
    Around them it will surely be a pleasure to be here for more people….
    Anyway best wishes to you thefeatheredsleep more than anything
    i hope you find the Love You Seek that Lasts it seems that is what
    most everyone is looking for these days no matter Environmental
    Circumstance so cold and far away… if it wasn’t for my Mother
    i would
    even be alive
    the Greatest Gift the
    Greatest Art is Love who gives and shares
    smiles i wish more than anything you had my
    Mother but here’s the other thing no No i don’t
    because my Mother couldn’t fully accept my
    Sister’s life style didn’t stop my Sister
    from Loving Her
    there were
    days it did stop
    her from wanting to live….
    that’s why Your Voice is so
    important for people like my Sister..
    and others too do as you will but it seems
    to me that what you have already done is a gift beyond any price..:)

  28. I only pop in to WP here and there lately, but happened to see your post. My heart is with you and your current challenges (and I can definitely relate to some of them). Thank you for your support for my writing, and please know the inspiration you and your writing have been to so many, including myself. I look forward to reading Smitten. Wishing you healing while away from this venue! Sometimes it’s necessary to recalibrate, as I know first hand. Love to you on your journey, Candice. <3

  29. I have such mixed feelings after reading this post. I’m so proud of the way SMITTEN has made its mark and still growing and on the other hand, I’m really sad to know about your medical condition and the fact that you have decided to take a break.I’m so proud to have known you through this online medium. You have encouraged and supported me every bit of the way and you are one of the bravest people I have known. I don’t know whether you would be interested in staying in touch with me but I would be so honored if I can be in touch with you.
    You have touched the lives of so many people that you are not even aware of.
    Take good care of you, Candice and I would love to stay in touch with you. Love and hugs.

  30. A painful read of a courageous post. I hope you find some way of keeping your voice in our ears! We need to hear honest expressions of real life that can break through the clatter of sentimentality and self absorption that fills so much of the social media world. Thank you for being such a supportive reader!

  31. My lovely, I rarely comment on posts but had to on this one. True writers don’t write for recognition. They do it because they HAVE to and if this is you I know you will find you can’t stop. I know because this happened to me – I stopped around 20 years ago. I came back again nine years ago with a new voice and a very new purpose. I highly recommend you think hard about this before giving up; maybe take a break and read, read, read. I’m currently reading Blessed Are The Weird by Jacob Nordby. Every page has mw fired up to write and write more openly without worrying about the outcome. The outcome is not your business. Let it be and whatever you decide to do, love it. Xx

  32. Oh Candice… I came back to WP to get caught up and continue blogging and saw this… while I respect your decision.. I will miss you! Take care of yourself. You are one of the greats!

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