15541394_10202354632784646_1452891421884110148_nThinking back
being twenty wasn’t as shiny
as bronze coin swallowed by carp
when
I went to eat Chinese and made a wish
to be young again
 
at twenty
I thought my breasts already hung forlorn
much like the oak grandfather clock
my father lifted from a former nunnery
when the nuns were gone and buried with the rhododendrons
the building disarticulated stood empty
beseeching intruders
awaiting renovation into flats for rich city dwellers
whose coins were gold
my father said
it seems a shame to let these apple and plum trees
be torn up and shredded they are mature and have
earned a right
so by night we dug up their rosewood roots
hefting in my grandfather’s wheel barrow down cobbled street
planted them in the little weedy garden out back
where they endured without their crowns
 
much as I endured being twenty
thinking myself imperfect
because of the pressure
burning like a hot wire in my
fizzing young head
like tight roller skates leave indents
my father said the trees never
bore fruit after moving
because once you’re planted
you grow roots only once
 
maybe that’s like being young
you are a tumbleweed and whilst some
take to being a spirit composed of air
there is something reassuring
like a warm fire or
a steaming bath
when you know it doesn’t really matter
all the fanciful dreams you had intended to wear
the way you sucked your stomach in
when he touched you underneath your dress
that tugged uncomfortably at tight seams
because you wanted to be
as gamine as
Audrey Hepburn

0 Replies to “Being twenty”

  1. Candice, have you ever noticed how we focus too much on decade changing years. Thinking back – it turned out ages 24, 26, 32, 34 and 38 were very good years – I completed a major effort that took 5 years at 24 and got married and had three children the other ages. How about you – what ages were the best? Keith

    1. Agreed. I think when we are very young biggest mistake is confining ourselves by an age, and as we grow (both spiritually and in terms of years) we realize this, it sets us free, and though we do not have say, 80 years left in our lives, imagine if we did what we would do knowing what we knew? It’s that idea of youth being wasted on the young, I do understand that. But equally, I have no desire whatsoever to be back in my 20s I feel better as I get older, I do understand others desires to be younger again but I do not share them, for me, the expectations levied on you in your 20’s were claustraphobic, as soon as I got out of my 20’s I felt much freer.

      1. Candice, well said. When you get to thirty, you have a better sense of what you want and whom to trust (or not trust). You are not there yet, but when you get to 50, you know not to spend your time suffering fools and will avoid them when possible. A good friend said it this way, you don’t give a shit what some folks think.
        I see you with a great sense of self. I admire this about you. Take care, my friend, Keith

        1. 50 is a long way off for me but even so, I feel age is mostly positive and those like my father who are it negatively do themselves great harm, a self fulfilling prophecy. When you’re 20 something you’re filled with a news that isn’t your own, a need to prove, as you say, as you get older it drops away, the absurdity revealed, that’s liberating and i never felt peace as a kid, now sometimes I do. The trust thing I’m still working on, but self trust definitely so.

      2. Candice, responding to those revealed absurdities is why I blog. It helps keep my sanity to use my voice for this purpose. Keith

        1. Someone has to. What passes for ‘fact’ and unbiased news is laughable. It’s a wonder anyone with common sense can stand it, but that’s what happens when you hand over the microphones to the masses, the downside of the internet and the upside, for the lone voices of reason.

  2. Youth sees life as black and white, cup half empty. Age flips that around so we look at life as an adventure, many shades of grey and cup half full πŸ™‚

    1. Wise words! I couldn’t agree more! I honestly am not one of those people who is saying it, I really do feel better in my own skin now than say, a decade ago. Progress? πŸ˜‰

  3. This is beautiful, Candice. I don’t think I would mind being 20 again for a little while….but I do think I would miss my future self that has the privilege of our friendship. Much love, Warrioress. ❀

    1. Most men I have found in my limited experience, would rather be 20 again, mostly when asked, so they could ask out a cheer leader they never got to ask … most women say they do not wish to be 20 again because of the pain of those years – I believe this though I think women may vainly wish to have the skin of a 20 something they do not want the experiences – says something about the genders doesn’t it? Thank you sweet man. xo

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