ddddWhen I was bulimic
I could not hold down words
when I was an alcoholic
I drank standing by the stainless steel sink
pretending it was cough syrup
when I was an addict
blue pills became my muse
when I was a smoker
I pulled blue smoke into my lungs
spoke in hacking tongues
when I was starving
I pressed against you until struck back
vanquishing my urge with your violence
bending dominion, sating hunger
a lion taking his share, leaving bones
to gnaw through wrong moments
when I was empty I found nowhere to fill myself
though I tried sex, drugs and other recreation
drizzling against fastened door in outline of shame
when I was used
I let myself become a purse with an open mouth
when I was alive I did not feel alive
when I was dying I knew
how much time I had wasted
thinking of when
rather than why
and with whom

0 Replies to “With whom”

  1. Nicely put, I looked up bulimic it’s a new word I learnt πŸ™‚ thank you. Also, if the above is your story I hope now that you know, you will know what and how to pass your moments. Keep smiling and spreading positivity. Love, Durga

  2. I respect what you have written- this is why I take time to write something.Today your writings have touched a chord deep down- I will ponder long! Thank you…

  3. I remember my eating disorder, anorexia, to be hungry but dismiss it because I wanted thinness so badly. The emotions were fierce and my bathroom scale dictated my daily feelings, it was never good enough, of course, and the feelings of devastation were endless. Dealing with that illness is difficult to understand, for when I was overweight I used to think “why don’t these people just eat?” Just not that simple. I’ve semi-recovered. Your poem has me reflecting on those years, and that was in my late ’50’s. Can happen to anyone.

    1. The emotions are fierce when you are in such a malestrom aren’t they? It’s all about not feeling good enough, all of it, you’re so right. It isn’t that simple. I am glad you are semi-recovered and I wish you always peace and re

  4. Need to catch up with one of my favorite writers. πŸ™‚
    “…when I was alive I did not feel alive
    when I was dying I knew
    how much time I had wasted
    thinking of when
    rather than why
    and with whom”…these last lines resonate, so true.
    Hope life has been treating you well my friend ღ

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