il_fullxfull.328869000what was lost, is not
you were meant to die
you were not meant to die
we were both so alive
even though, without modern means
your poor head, my aching conscience
may have felt the drop of earth
far earlier
the stars so alight, over our premature sleep
we did not think we could lose
and still
life shows us in picture cards
‘having a wonderful time, wish you were here!’
how tender the road without direction
how still the clock in hospital room
counting down, looking up
explanations for frailty
pistacho shells growing in number
blood coursing through our stride
the winding path and sudden start of deer
their black eyes, wells of ink
if I had to do the same again I wouldn’t change anything
but maybe, plant better roots
for sickness can shake the most stalwart
where everything is thrown around and
stooping to bend fallen moments
can seem like it will never
rebuild what was lost
life can
be a small flame, hardly visible
it may appear to flicker
and still you endure
the absurdity of surviving
we laugh at photos of catheters
because it is the only way to clamber over
the horror still lying beneath everything
after all
who expects to reach out and find
the dissolve of certainty?
after all
who believes the boogie man under the bed
will actually show himself?
in the gowns of harried doctors
who poke and prod and pronounce
after all
our world is in short supply of tenderness
and when we implore God
or the toilet bowl
for strength and a little succor
how do we imagine the rescue?
after all
it may be a stranger who
reaches out
a loved one who
turns away
such is the carnival
and round lights grow hot
on your restlessness
after all
it is not easy to be
cast in uncertainty
adrift we only know
the tug of another’s flounder
we are strong in
searching each other
for direction
embracing imperfection
as if it were
the most beautiful moment
from horror comes
straight-backed on her tired horse
the unspooling of
for as sure as you are still
racing by my side
what was lost
is not

0 Replies to “What was lost, is not”

  1. “Doctors without mercy” was my life for many years. Endless array of pain, confusion, and darkness. Then I found the Light within my own two hands. Then I began to heal…without the aid of doctors, who really were not doctors at all, but black angels of a dying way.
    I’ve written a great deal about my journey of becoming a healer. For those who are interested:
    namaste, and much much love

    1. Dearest Anya, I went through a shorter but similar experience recently and can attest to what you say. I want to read your experience so thank you for the link πŸ’“πŸ’“ I do believe many times healing comes in other forms that are ignored by allopathic medicine πŸ’“

    1. Dearest Meno, that is such a cherished comment because being unique in any way these days in this huge world, is so difficult and if I have achieved that I am very glad. Thank you for your encouraging words they help very much and I am very grateful to you πŸ’“

      1. Oh honey, I know exactly what you mean! I’ve read a thousand poems that just blend into one, but every once in a while you find a writer that has a distinguishable voice and style, and you just sigh in relief. : D Your work is like that and it makes me smile!

  2. I see this with many of my patients. By the time I get them in rehab, they’ve been poked and prodded to the point of exhaustion. Then the excessive medication cocktails continue the beatdown. It’s horrible how patients are treated nowadays. πŸ˜•

    1. So agree with you my friend we have lost the art and the healing in our pursuit to make well, and it is this labored system of profit and big companies I hold responsible as well as the ludicrous debt doctors experience upon graduation which only reinforces the need to put money before healing. πŸ’“

      1. You’re exactly right. Patients are often thought of lastly in the healthcare chain. As a provider that actually gives a darn about my patients, it’s maddening to watch. πŸ˜’

  3. Though we are made for this world, we have but a fraction of what we need to ever understand it. I’m glad for your recovery!

  4. Ive witnessed this with my loved family members so often and in my breast cancer. The horrific shutdown of hearts gone mute in the mechanical world of sterile disconnect. Each word in this vibrates with some energy impossible to name. Your insight and genius with expressing such deep truths with words stuns me. Thanks for being alive and sharing your amazing gift with us. πŸ’–

  5. The price we pay can be exacting and painful, but when you come through with this kind of briliance on the other side, one can see that Grace accompanied you on the journey and has enhanced a talent that was already immensely unique and powerful and compelling and full of truth and understanding. Je t’aime, N πŸ™‚ <3 xoxoxoxoxo

  6. Candice, you write so eloquently of what you endured. And of what so many others go through every day trying to get well. I’ve lost faith in my own doctors and have pretty much stopped going. In this day and age there should be real healing – and after what we’re put through, healing of the spirit as well. Your own strength and determination is remarkable. You’ve got what it takes, thankfully. πŸ’ž

  7. My is jumping my feet are tapping this is what I call written magic. Well done beautifully expressed candy girl. Soft hugs take care of yourself sweet friend. Love you

  8. I couldn’t comment on this upon the first read because there is so much here, so many lines that express life’s truest reality: “time waits for no one”. Not only does it depict this, there are layers of hope and wilfullness at every turn of dark phrases. It feels like it’s an important poem to you. It reads like one too.

  9. I have several illnesses these are three of many, MS, Mitrochondritis, COPD, just to name a few. But what keeps me going all the time, is I always realize it could be worse. So I pray for all of my brothers and sisters around the world, and when I write, I read His living, healing word aloud in a separate room. For he spoke creation to life with his word, and I believe we can be healed by what we feed our spirits each day in our lives. I recently lost my father when the Drs thought he would be okay. But he is now in the best hands, those of our living God.
    Here is a prayer I wrote, entitled ‘A Prayer for Healing.’ May it be a blessing for you…as I know your heart and spirit and you know mine my sister.
    A Prayer For Healing
    You will ever be the love who sustains me
    The joy which will always enrich my soul
    You consistently will be the true happiness
    Which my spirit will always seek to know
    When troubling times try to surround me
    When in my life it seems I cannot go on
    I will wait on You Lord in constant prayer
    For my faith in You will keep me strong
    I pray to You from deep within my heart
    To take my troubling illness far away
    For I know whenever I pray to You Lord
    You’ll send your blessings without delay
    I pray for the wellness of those sick today
    As You send Your healing blessing their way
    That any sickness which tries to overcome them
    By Your amazing grace in their lives won’t stay
    Please bless all of their families this morning
    With a true healing gift which will never fade
    And we will send You many prayers of thanks
    Which will glorify Your name daily in every way
    You, Lord, are the One who provides sweet blessings
    The living God, who showers us with love each day
    And we steadfastly believe in Your awesome power
    Knowing its healing energy will nourish us always.
    Wendell A. Brown
    Many of our worldwide family members, especially
    our young children suffer many illnesses each day
    in their lives, but we can do all things through
    Him who strengthens us. Every one of you will always
    be wrapped in my daily prayers that I present before
    our Lord God each new day! Spiritual hugs and
    blessings to all of you!
    Psalm 103:1-5
    Praise the Lord, my soul; all my inmost being,
    praise his holy name. Praise the Lord, my soul,
    and forget not all his benefitsβ€” who forgives all
    your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems
    your life from the pit and crowns you with love
    and compassion, who satisfies your desires with
    good things so that your youth is renewed like
    the eagles.
    A Healing Prayer
    Lord, I believe in your word written in Jer 17:14 say the verse
    Satan it is written in Jer 17:14 say the verse
    Lord, I thank you for the healing blessing in Jer 17:14 say the verse
    This prayer should be spoken three times a day.
    Jeremiah 17:14
    Heal me, LORD, and I will be healed; save me and I
    will be saved, for you are the one I praise.

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