My debt rests in your fur
as they light it
and it burns
and your form shrinks
from this world
your black and white paw limp against my clutching
fingers wishing you here
those images are cookie cut into my mind
called intrusive thoughts and flash-backs
I know them well
they are not my friend as you were my friend
I imagine what you feel and then recall
you no longer feel anything
though that does not seem right
without religion I am left unknowing
where you land next or if you will
awaken in paradise or remain slumbering
whether sleep or a void, if we can truly leave
and have nothing of ourselves remain
but ash and debris
it seems impossible that you were once
jumping onto the table and making me laugh
with your antics
only to be nowhere and gone eternal
I may not possess sufficient faith
to build castles in the sky but
your energy stays like stillness in
this empty house and from the corner of my eye
I still see your shadow slink just as
my grandmother’s voice is pitch perfect in my head
is that imagination or wishful?
Or do ghosts haunt us willing supplicants?
A bouquet of delusion to soothe our empty
arms or
will you live forever within me? And when I take
my turn at the Ferris wheel
our nothingness will reside near one another
I like the idea, all I have loved will
mingle as returned starlight in the ether
and touch one another with reminder
for being alone or worm food is
a cold dinner companion I wish not
to believe in
even if God turns his head from me and always has
for his man-made lack of female
and my rib is long and sticks into my gut
reminding me I am ever every man’s equal
and will never lay down to those dull prescriptions
of what constitutes truth from a man’s tongue.
Your fur was thicker than all the cats here
who grew up hot and listless on porches
you came with me in a pink plastic box
obscene in its garishness we laughed
putting it through customs
the harried lady at flight desk remarked
well there he goes as you were taken
hand delivered, to the pit of the plane
and I worried because I wanted you to be
on my knee but no madam, I’m afraid for long haul
he has to ride in cargo and don’t worry
few of them get upset, as if she were crouched among you knowing this
this seemed false as so many things do
when big decisions linger like absent friends
at the periphery of moments
too quick, too big, for staying still
briefly I wondered; Should I really be moving?
to this strange country I do not yet know and
burning this bridge indefinitely
it felt as wrong as right ever was and I stood
in the airport watching the thin man take you
behind a curtain and then as you were on your way
so was I.
You see …
I took my cue from you
quite often
and of the two of us when we landed
I think you looked less bedraggled
whilst I fought with immigration because one of my papers
was not ‘just so’ and they called and fussed because
immigrants are not very welcome in any country
and annoy those whose jobs it is to ensure
smooth sailing
and when we reunited
on different soil with the sound of cicadas or crickets
I was not sure in those days
you were hot against my grandmothers blanket
and had peed because they don’t let animals
out to the bathroom at 30,000 feet
which was exactly how I felt, hot and wet and stinking
at the same time, in this odd place where
people were outgoing and spurned shyness or other
attributes we both possessed
with aplom
following our dreams or maybe just mine
as your dreams were about mice or pigeons and later
lizards and snakes
as you learned the ways of the desert
and perhaps the tenor of your meow changed
to reflect the inflection of your adopted country.
It may seem easier but it is not easy for any of us
who come by boat, plane or smuggle, to
lands not our own, we each bring with us
that belly full of ache
and you were always able to
soothe mine with your purr and ever
reminder of our start beneath colder skies and
smaller streets with littler houses and narrow
rooms where we knew our place and here
we could only speculate or clumsily test
our sea legs against
the strangeness of being
with mistake and estrangement
our sole friends quite a while.
Unable even to drive I walked you down the road
for your first vet check and people gaped
from their large cars at the floundering Europeans
walking where no-one walks and everyone uses
big trucks to go one mile and purchase a giant
sippy cup and some Ding Dongs, things with
names that sound fun and 40 additives
my kind of humor and banter lost against
surge of habit, the vet seemed surprised I
had carried you rather than driven and tut-tutted
at your lack of dental hygiene
but remarked how beautiful your thick fur was
and how cats in these parts tend to have
snake skin, we all laughed at that, even you
cast a fish eye his direction like you
possessed the real secrets.
I remember those exploits and driving to Canada on another
exodus when stateless we began again
another groove in our fitful recording
the deep snow and your paw prints leading
me nearer and further
like ice fish we swam in our odd circumstance
always together, staring out stranger windows like
spectators at our own fair ground
in cold you slept beside me and purred
in your sleep to the sound of icicles
warming and falling into snow the
sky a heavy weight holding its breath
eventually we returned to the place of infernal heat
and sizzling side walks where no one but us
and straggly weeds dared to step and the years wound like
lost yarn beneath our odd foray
until you were old and fragile
and I barely noticing because I did not want to
believe you could quit being the little cat
in the pink plastic box glad to see me at the
first airport in our new world.
It was naive or immature of me to forget
cats lives do not echo ours and mine seemed
suddenly far too long and yours bitterly short
a terrible echo of inequality I did not
have the strength to imagine losing you
when together we always were.
Even people who wrote said; ‘Dear Candy, Dear Halo’
as if they could see the join of your fur and my
burning skin against the other
I told myself I would be there when they
sent you to that place I could not follow
despite knowing in my mind the terrible pictures
would roam long and unbidden for many years
to look into your eyes and remind you how much you mean
to me and always how I will look for you
until we are reunited and then I expect
all this will be mere bad dreams and
again we can go forward, or side ways or
whatever direction the after world takes us
but please together, is all I want
for with you gone, I wait without watch
an absence greater than anguish
for you were my best friend in this lonely world
assuaging the hard edges and frayed corners
we came here together and still I am
more lost without you than when I arrived
for your bright eyes and happy tail
gave me courage Halo and ever shall I
look for you coming into the kitchen in
the morning with your half howl of greeting
starting my day and ending it with
putting you to your bed
never once thinking there could be a time
when you were not and I still went on.
Aristotle said it best; a relationship is
two bodies one soul
that is real love
and we are floundering when absent from one another
like the ice fish when it warms up
and water is all but gone.
This is EPIC, brilliant and beautiful
Thank you so much my friend ❤️
Reblogged this on My Sword and Shield…. and commented:
The depth of feeling in her gorgeous soul is immeasurable. Rest in peace Halo. And all my love to you, My Warrior Sister. ❤
Love you Eric always ❣️💞🙏
It’s so hard to lose good friends. Four-legs are just as hard to lose as two. Trixie and Ninnie send commiserations and say open your heart to another stray. There are so many and one will be sure to sooth your sorrow.
Wise words. They’ve euthanized so many in this town. I never find strays anymore. But maybe the shelter. Halo was special. It was end of an era in many ways. Perhaps if I felt I belonged here more it would be less of a kiss but as you know I have feet planted in two world’s still. Thank you dearest one. For your kindness. Much love ve to you and the falling kit ❤️
Hugs, such sweet memories….they will live long and hard in you…. dull to sharp aches will come unannounced forever your remaining days for him… he resides deep in you and that should be comfort. He is you to an extent.. never think he is not… much love sister…
I love you brother. Thank you for being in my life and how you fill that life with care.
Sweet Halo, so well loved by you, Candice. And you by him. ❤️❤️❤️ I’m sending you peaceful vibes.
Thank you. So much. I know you know.
I love you!
❤
My little buddy.
His spirit will live on.
You may not have liked cats as much as dogs but you loved him so well and always cared and asked after him and he knew it and loved you so much. When we spoke he always meowed.
😥 Yup, my little buddy.
Reblogged this on cabbagesandkings524 and commented:
TheFeatheredSleep – Remembrance of a truest friend
❤️💕💕
❤
This is truly the most beautiful tribute to an animal / pet I’ve ever read. You and Halo were lucky to have shared a part of life together. I’m so sorry for your loss.
Thank you dearest Karen. Thank you ❤️❤️
Sending love to you and Halo. ❤
Thank you Johnny. So much
Yes, yes and more yes. A fitting tribute to Halo. Well done and memorable as he always shall be. xx
Thank you for your kindness ❤️ toward him
But for the thickness of fur, Halo would a twin for my Munchie (she was more sleek coated), companion through multiple relocations from kitten-hood to nineteen years. The beauty and sadness of this memorial is beyond any more words of mine.
Sending you love B 💞
❤
I was moved by your heartwarming tribute. Wishing you strength and comfort.
Dea Herman. Thank you very much for your kind words and support it meant a lot to me
So sorry, Candy
Whew. This left me wrung out, exhausted, close to tears. And impressed.
Dear Ellen, thank you so much for reading. I appreciate you.
My condolences 😦 beautiful writing.
Thank you so much dear one ❤️
I can feel your heart breaking with this loving tribute to Halo, and now mine breaks for you, dear Candice! ❤ Wishing you weren’t so far away. I’d scoop you up in my arms and let you stay there as long as you needed, and again and again when the sorrow fills you up. I’m so sorry that you lost your precious fur-baby. :_(
Love to you my leggy intelligently crafted Supergirl thank you
<3
btw wasn’t on FB land much saw you hurt your shoulder? Hope you are feeling. better? Sorry to hear that. Sending you much love
<3 Thanks! It's my lower back. Still tight but getting better.
ow! I did that a few weeks ago and it is NOT fun. I found that hot baths worked for me. xxxx
It’s taken a bit but I think I’m back to square! <3
Beautiful tribute to Halo. Pets are family and become such a part of our hearts and life. Sending loads of love and support your way. I apologize for the late reply.
So grateful my beautiful kind talented Friend
💕💕💕💕💕
I’m so very sorry for your loss! I’m sorry to be late with these condolences ♥️
Holly I so appreciate your kind words my beautiful friend thank you
I’m so sorry, we love our pets so much and they us so unconditionally. Hearts to you beautiful friend!
So lovely to hear from you my beauty, I hope you are doing well. Sending you my love.
Same here, sending lots of love and positive thoughts to you!
❤ ❤ ❤
Thank you my lovely
Just now read this. Wish I could have written something as beautiful, elegant, eloquent for my dog, Haley. Our fur children teach us so much about love and living. Such a wonderful tribute.
Hello my friend. Thank you so much for reading this and caring. Halo meant so much to me. I am sure Haley (H theme) did to you and I know your love is not lost as long as you remember how you cared and loved them. Pets do not seem like pets when they are family and with us so long. I really, really appreciate you reading this and commenting thank you so much. I am so sorry you lost your fur Haley but I hope they are with you in spirit and watching over you now xo