new9I am not yet indifferent to you
but when that day comes
and it will
the memory will not touch me
or cause disquiet
it will be as if you had never existed
a fracture in a line
disorder in our palm
all the things we thought precious
went up in the fire
you lit
what did you expect?
dead people don’t attend funerals
I left behind your ash and your cane
I stayed the part of me that had been driven mad
by your waxing and your wane
she can retrieve the broken parts and throw them on the pyre
I want no more of it
your number is lost
your address a fog
I cannot even imagine what I ever saw
in the dogged creases of you
perhaps I had long-lost
my reasons for why it was you
I held on as an addict does with nothing better to do
slurping lines with pinched nostril and crossed fingers
but now it seems anything is better
than another misfit lock and key
too long I spent underground in your echo
tortured by your guilt and misery
I wondered
can I advance?
without the shackles and weight of years
can I undo the harm you piecemeal? or will I remain
a prisoner?
rotting behind your indifference
then I recalled
how you made me feel I was wrong
not to be beside myself with glee
as you and your weak blend of madness seemed
surfing your mercury with divination rod
I had thought this was true but it was another of your lies
you are the saddest person I know
I do not need to be happy all the time
to enjoy the sun rise
I was never caustic liquor
I ran a little lighter
didn’t need to own the world
to feel a tinge of pleasure
it is my way and now you cannot condemn me
as every day you stuck another splinter between my ribs
sealing me in boxes, sending me on my way
I hadn’t known you were fond of sticking pins in dolls
until they woke me from sleep and I took them out
each hole you made needed repair and some of me
will always find it hard to float without leaking
but anything is better than sharing time with a captain
piloting doomed vessel, short-sight rubbed raw
seeking ruin against borderline shore

0 Replies to “Borderline shore”

  1. Candice, leaving a toxic relationships is freeing, even when it is not a romantic one. I no longer work with a narcissist and it is so much easier than having to tip toe around his ego. Leaving a toxic romantic one is even more liberating. Well done, my dear, Keith

    1. Yes very true. I recall that story you told me and I agree, this is such a positive step to leave that toxic environment, you were a saint to be so patient not sure I could have been.

  2. I love the power of regaining power in all of this! “Dead people don’t attend funerals” ….my God, what a wake up call to start to live again. Self worth reigns and life rejoices each day you follow your dreams and not your death! So wonderfully written with subtle tones which carry such crushing weight. Blessings for all of your days!

    1. Ah I’m so glad you thought so. The wake up call to live … very true. I have felt this though as anyone with depression can attest, you can claim to understanding intellectually but then the reality is somewhat different isn’t it?

  3. I, too, liked the ‘dead people’ line. You write about a painful process. The indifference reminds me of the words of an old friend who had the capacity to stir love or hate, He said that he accepted either, but that the worst anyone could say about him was that he was boring.

  4. This. I have been there as you know and here you are seemingly having been in my head and expressed it all much better than I could ever dream of doing myself. Fucking perfect.

    1. I think it’s a hard subject to ‘get right’ because of the person in question not even seeing it, and often we believe if they don’t see it maybe it’s not there (o but it is!) !!!!

  5. You capture these emotions with such accuracy and weight. Your writing is beautiful as always and resonates deeply with me 💛 you truly have a gift with language

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