I am aware of the acrid taste in my mouth
of months
rolled under yellowed paper and stuffed with dust
I am aware of the dusk and the dawn
as it begins and falls outside of my existence
for the confined are the ones, who most seek the light
held back by the devil on my back, digging his rusty spurs
I dream
of who I was before, and who I may again, become
Restrained in abayence, watching the spin of twitching world
was there a time yet? I did not sicken at the mention
of nutrition and sustainence?
or energy enough to power through, whatever ailed me
now the vampire drains me of enough, I can only watch
in flickering shadows, a dance of memories across my jaundice
so much has come and gone in this short time, where a day
feels eternal
where an hour of pain is like
a life time without
as if cruelty stretched it out
until you could hardly see
where it began and where it stopped
or maybe it did not
end and instead
drags out, again and again, as if set on repeat
wake up, sicken, do the same until all you see
is the specter of yourself, treading lost time
and the taunt of health, is always a little too far to reach
yet you must try girl
yet you must seek

29 Replies to “Wellness”

  1. We take wellness for granted until it deserts us like a betrayed lover. After reading this I am grateful the sunshine and feeling well today. Painful to read, but well written!

  2. As I will with you. Whomever gets better first flies to see the other. I mean it Rick, we’ve been thru so much together it’s going to ensure a life long friendship, that’s the nature of experiencing something like this. If it wasn’t for that support it would have been a great deal harder so I’m very glad we were able to be there for each other. You will get better I truly believe that. We can be each other’s hope when we cannot be it for ourselves. I wrote you back btw.

  3. Reading this, I think of Joseph Campbell and The Hero’s Journey – challenge, adversity, overcoming, and transformation. Wellness is a prize worth the journey and the struggle.

  4. Time isn’t measured in minutes and hours, as you so well described.
    It is measured in how enjoyable or how painful the moments are.
    Pain does make it seem endless. I know. I do feel pain every day, even if mine is the sort I am now able to push aside and try and forget about.
    But it does make you tired, it does make you snap, and lacking energy to do anything else but go through the hours.
    Even though, when someone or something managed to get you away from that pain, your energy fets back, even if only for a moment.
    I am sorry you suffer still. Jeep hoping. That the pain will diminish slowly, to the point where you don’t see the days drag on and on.
    A decrease you may not notice from day to day, but maybe from week to week, or even month to month.
    Or maybe it will be that the days where you suffer come less often. Every day, then every other day, then 2 times a week… until it’s only a few times a month, or even less.
    I wish you as quick a recovery as you need and deserve.
    Sorry I was absent for a while. Still too many things to take care of in my own life. Enough that I wasn’t exactly writing either.
    But I hope I get out of this funk soon. I was able to take some important steps, make certain decisions, that hopefully help me progress in the right direction.
    Sending love your way. ❤️

  5. I just ate a piece of chocolate and said fuck it in your honor. So thank you for that! And damn that chocolate was good. I may even go get more!

  6. I’ve been there. And many times I am there still. You said it superbly. I pray you will heal, that this is just one of God’s experiences. Your voice has certainly not succumbed though. Take care

  7. How exquisitely, painfully beautiful. I don’t know what your condition is, but I wish you a speedy healing. I love the line about dreaming of who you were before and who you might be again. I think we all should do this as each day is a day to recreate ourselves. Sickness be damned. Today, joy and health are yours. Good luck! ox

  8. I pray you feel better I know it can be hard but you’re light and you make other’s lives better by being here in this world. Your advice is so right and I do know I will get better it is crushingly hard right now at six months out but I believe. My friend thank you and please never stop writing and being among us.

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