It isn’t my weft to self torture
but on occasion, often bidden by
emotions tumbling from rusted cage
I try to restrain them
overtaking my control
then, you are there
in the sunlight streaming through paper blinds
hurting my eyes so that all but a whiteness
is felt behind closed eyes
the unceasing wetness of tears
cause my skin to feel chaffed
even in summer
you would think eventually
they would dry up, but they never do
just as you would think I’d stop
remembering so accutely or
longing so intensely for
things near and far away and closed
as to not exist
except in my urging of them
the you, that you were
confident, slick, arrogant
I have never liked arrogance
but behind it
a soul and a heart
I wished to conquer with my own
urge gentleness out of you
like impatient bird who cries
before it is morning
I often feel, if I allow it
that I was created for you
and despite this
you threw me away
because I could not survive, or pay my way in the world
if I did what you asked
you did not care about that
but only, what you would receive
and though I remember the light in your eyes
dimming and your kisses growing
less in intensity
there are days I wish only
to touch the moments
that for me, were happiest of my life
whether that is absurd or downright
sick
it really doesn’t matter anymore
now we are lost in time and space
spinning away from the other
more and more, with every passing moment
and that hurts as if it were a fresh wound
though it is old and many times healed over
that healing is a lie
because I am never okay
without you and this you knew
when you left, it was to take
the part of me I loved best and
the capture of my heart
the days afterward were
inconsequential even though I tried
to bring meaning back, it was as if
color and sound had fled
only the flowers I bought you
linger in my mind
their lovely pink and the way
flowers must always die
just as
time kills
but does not destroy
the original love
or its resulting
pain
I do not want to spend
more years sitting at tables alone
watching my tears grow cold as
the light captures me in a moment
of you
and how you were
when you didn’t yet know
you would always leave me
the radiance of your smile
still lights my heart
followed by a pain
knowing
that version of you
shall never exist again
that love for me is now
grown over and neglected
by irrevocable doors closing
we did not know, would sabotage
something as true
as the feeling
of us
I still believe if you’d
searched your soul you
would not have let go
for life gives us few
if any
perfect
memories
too often we remain
eternally haunted by
totems to
that absence
Reblogged this on cabbagesandkings524 and commented:
TheFeatheredSleep – Remaining haunted
Fabulous, Candice. I have your books and I wondered if I could pick your brain? A young poet who I follow on Instagram asked me how she could publish her poems and I thought you could give a pointer or two? 💐
“you would think eventually
they would dry up, but they never do
just as you would think I’d stop
remembering so acutely or
longing so intensely for
things near and far away and closed
as to not exist
except in my urging of them”
This brings back a flood of memories of a dear friend. It’s been 16 years and it still hurts. 😦 Oh my, how your words are so piercing. ❤
We dream always of a perfect love, and with luck (good or bad, I don’t know, likely both) once or maybe twice we feel to have found it and it is glorious, whether or not they stay or we stay, the memory does with the joy and the grief ever fresh as on their first day.
Brilliant! You always are and I know many think the same. Have a great weekend. 🙂
Candice thats very poignant Xx
I absolutely love that photo! And the poem? Amazing, as usual. 😊
The picture says it all.
Breaks my heart, this poem.
“that healing is a lie
because I am never okay
without you and this you knew
when you left, it was to take
the part of me I loved best and
the capture of my heart
the days afterward were
inconsequential even though I tried
to bring meaning back, it was as if
color and sound had fled
only the flowers I bought you
linger in my mind”
Weaver of wondrousness. That’s you.
good lord this is gorgeous
Such heartfelt anguish expressed with your usual excellent imagery
Thank you my beauty
Thank you dearest one and so lovely to see you here!
Lovely lovely lovely words.
Thank you so very very much dear Ogden
Love to you my dear one xxx
I hope it a good way thank you beautiful friend
Definitely. Drop me an email Charlie I’ll tell you everything I know xx thank you for reading
Agreed. I’m of the belief true love cannot be on repeat but occurs once or twice, sometimes never
You are very welcome! The hurt never goes away but the love remains and THAT is what is wonderful about feeling the memories. 🙂
❤
My pleasure. 😊
Thank you Candice you are so lovely 💐
The last stanza haunts me. Beautiful.