like a surveyor of tea leaves or coffee grains
you have only seen the bad in me
mama, there is more than that
so forgive me if I hope, you don’t read this
though as I write in the unlit room
with unfurling gloom of coming dark
shadows whisk past in fast motion
like hunting birds intent on victim
pictures of another life
when I close my eyes I hear your voice
imagine home, it includes you
exile is a word I find hard
thinking we’d find a way all these years
my child heart foolishness
we try to repair the mauled favorite toy
we try to reclaim the torn moment
but time moves on and people
betray each other as easily
as reading congealed tea leaves
so read them, tell me my fate
I am sure you think you know
and as the words come pouring out
each one designed for maximum hurt
I will grow away from you like a plant
facing determined shadow will
strain toward the purity of light
I didn’t want this
it wasn’t my wish, the choice was removed
but I am, contrary to your belief
not dying of my own poison
the illness within me
will be healed
and that part that blames me for everything
lying in you, a furious envelope
that tells me I am responsible for my suffering
the karma we all must face
when cruelty is reflected back at us
I had hoped so much all these long years
for your mercy and your presence
but as they told me
you cannot long for something you never had
cannot make someone feel what they do not feel
you asked me why I called today
I knew you would lash out, I knew it would hurt
and maybe like a penitent I felt
saying goodbye and letting you know
I love you, was worth the scald
because I had a dream
it was a dream I lived a long and healthy life
it wasn’t with you and you were not there
somehow I still smiled and carried on
and when I woke I wanted to ask you
how could I ever live without you?
when you brought me into this world
I know your voice, as I know myself
and I have loved you more than anyone
but I already hear the answer
burning the silence of my stare like a
forgotten match wicking itself to fabric
devouring oxygen and matter like
a scream will penetrate quiet night
I know, in the slick loathe of your tone
the way you know just how to plunge the knife
you don’t need me you say, you never did
I am an unwanted thing, better disguarded
let loose to tumble into the past, better never born
and though I may not know it now
you set me free as I forgive the ache
letting go of all those years of chasing
those folded sorrowful times of indifference
to claim what we should all have
the knowledge of real love
instead of being reminded of
someone who never thought you worthy or special
who happened to give birth
with the anger of a condemned prisoner
Oh and I wish
I could go back in time and undo
that bloody hour
where you never had
to endure the pain of bringing me into the world
that is the point of unconditional love
you give even when it hurts
and I would dissolve me to save you
but it is too late for that
and for wishing I had a daughter
I could pour my heart into
but I will find something else
maybe out there in the wild where
people do not carve out pain with
the sharp edges of their own
and when I told you I would always love you
I meant it
even as you push me away one last and final time
which I accept
with the gait of one who knows
she has more life ahead
in the bowers of empty space
among the fir trees growing like prayer
toward the glassy reflecting heavens
it will not always be so sad
it will not always be so sad
44 Replies to “The unlit room”
Her too much credit. I know and you know I know what it’s like to have a Mom treat you like you’re nothing. She has to change, be willing to, want to. A daughter should never have to beg for her mother’s love, a child shouldn’t, period.
Some of us have managed to grow with our parents, to hear their apologies and watch them DO BETTER. I pray for the day you get that happening too. And if you don’t, you have done everything and I mean everything.
It’s not your fault.
Reblogged this on cabbagesandkings524 and commented:
TheFeatheredSleep – Love and rejection and moving on
Lush in emotion and depth. Master word craft.
So very well done, Candice!
I so appreciate you both reading this and your comment Bill it was a hard write and to know it worked, well that is everything. TY my dear friend. I value you.
You are a very special person and writer, Candice. Such a pleasure to have crossed paths with you!
Have a wonderful evening!
💜 … yes.
You too my lovely friend. I am so grateful to you.
TY sister xo
“And it’s hard and it’s hard, ain’t it hard
To love one that never did love you?
And it’s hard and it’s hard, ain’t it hard, great God
To love one that never will be true?” – Woody Guthrie – “Hard, Ain’t It Hard”
And so hard to let go that idea they might change, and walk away toward a better day, still loving them, but from afar.
I love you.
Perfect lines. Yes, letting go. It’s taken me so long. Bit I’m proud of that even. Because if I’d done it sooner I would have loved less. And I always love fiercely which is why I love so few. TY for the balance of your heart.
*big hugs* I love you too, ma’am.
Letting go of the blame others placed into us has been (and is) one of the major struggles of my own life. This broke my heart for you again. We still do give love even to the ones who withhold and treat us with cruel indifference if not downright contempt. I cant stop myself for longing for absent love and giving it to compensate in some way despite the fact I am shown more and more every day how fruitless it all is. Sending you love. <3
The pleasure is mine…
For the most part, those who let go quickly (which is not the same as doing it seemingly suddenly after long effort) were not, I think, holding on very strongly in the first place.
This was so profound. I too had to let go. Hope that, somehow, someday…
I’m luckier though, it’s not my mom, who may have suffered who knows what before you were born, or to give birth to you. It’s my child.
The rejection is hard, still.
So good to hear this. It hurts and it’s an awful kind of hurt, but you are walking in the right direction. And you deserve it because you are wonderful and worthy. I love you <3
Have you read Robert Frost’s The Trial by Existence? It is often said we cannot choose our parents, and yet somehow, I know we do … ah, a mother’s love is what the writer gives to her, the roles are reversed, the love is forever …
wrought golden word mastery, and my hearts hurts a bit. Love you my friend, this is really powerful. I know how it feels and you have my sympathy
“and as the words come pouring out
each one designed for maximum hurt”
Intentional infliction of pain and this to a young, innocent. Every line is a dagger to the heart which you’ve had to endure. Just remember you are loved! <3
Wow 😯😥😥 I don’t know you but I know the feeling of wanting to hear your mother say that she loves you. It is very difficult to grow up without the affection of one of the most important person’s in your life. Specially when she is alive and doesn’t express any emotions. I try to justify mine by saying she does’t know how to express her emotions, for my own good. I truly believe that writing down our deepest feelings helps us to keep on going with our lives. Respectfully, Marie.
Some wonderful metaphors here. You do demonstrate that one can indeed long for something one never had
Dear Marie, Thank you so much for your kind words. I could not agree more. The hardest part is knowing she is alive but doesn’t want much to do with me. I do blame myself. Which I know I should not do. But I think when something isn’t normal we look to blame ourselves or the other, in my case the former because I think it can be too easy to blame the other person but the real answer is nobody is to blame. She is who she is. Not a bad person. I admire her and will always love her. But I am not the sort of person she wanted I truly think things would have been better for her had she not had a child, as it just provoked guilt and feelings of inadequacy. But not everyone should be a mother. I would like to have been. But there are reasons for everything. I’m not sure what reason there is here. I just know I have to write about it to get the hurt out. I appreciate your kindness so much.
TY dear heart and I hope your trip today goes wonderfully. Thank you also for reading me when I know you don’t like maudlin stuff and yet you do read me faithfully and I am very, very appreciative.
TY and I miss you. I hope you are okay. Is it raining where you are? It’s raining here. Figured you’d be getting it too. Love you also brother – hope you are doing okay and please drop me a line when you have time. BIG HUGS
PS would love to get together next time xo
Ah I have. What a brilliant way (only you evoke this) of seeing it. I like that very much. It is healing. I do believe someone lives through our love of them. My mother will always have my love, she deserves it and I feel it unconditionally no matter what. I would never wish to turn to hate or resentment it only dries you up into something awful. TY my clever friend. TY.
I hope so. And I hope I see you next month too 😉 (just being cheeky!) seriously though I hope I mean what I say (about the positive side) and it’s not just putting out what I would like to feel. I know I feel the love, it’s just how to rid myself of the pain that’s tricky. HUGS and thank you, you are a wonderful friend to me and I hope you know I’m always, always here for you also – we walk through together x
My beautiful friend. TY for your words. I hope somehow someday is EXACTLY right. You’re not luckier it is just as hard if it is your child just as hard. It really is about how much you love someone not their role. I am so sorry my friend you are such a lovely person and I would not wish that pain on you but I lift you to the light ALWAYS
Very well said and I do agree
Ah my sister I know how you feel I think we are quite alike in many ways. TY for reading and writing me. I do think giving love cannot be a bad thing. Of course, knowing boundaries is essential. Yes like you I longed for far too long, far too long. But it says more about the goodness of your heart than anything negative. I know you well enough to say you have a beautiful heart. I am always in awe of someone who has been hurt and can still feel. Sending you equal love dearest
And see? I didn’t use the D word ONCE! 😉
Boom! Yup. You’re growing. Lol.
or I’m fearing! ha ha ha! 😉 xo(hugs)xo
Fearing what?! Oh, Lawd. Lol. *shakes head*
Thank you! Always a pleasure to read your work, Candice! <3
Thank you! The same back!
We tend to think in channels, or should I say are taught to think in channels … taut is a good word, slack the rope and find a different view. It is hard to change our thinking. They teach us about behavior modification, (Mehrabian?), but we miss the components of thought, feeling and emotion. They are vectors, emotion driving thought creates feeling … tears, joy, laughter, health … until we uncover the components of the vector …The thoughts and emotions creating our feelings, our lives, then nothing changes. We might quit smoking with behavior modification, but if the desire never goes away what has changed ?
Fur sure! Lots of rain but it is nice, we needed some. I will reach out as soon as I know when I will be back down there 🖤🙏
Those beautiful words from you really uplifted my heart today…bless you for them. 💞🌷
Wow. Candice. You always knock me speechless.
I sure hope so too! I don’t know if it’s possible to rid yourself of this kind of pain, but it will get easier to manage as you process and grow. And you are doing that by talking and writing about it. I love you <3
This is breathtaking. This part placed me in absolute awe:
“maybe out there in the wild where
people do not carve out pain with
the sharp edges of their own”
Oh my.. your words pierce my heart.. for I am a daughter and a mama – a most treasured gift of love.. if you weren’t or aren’t loved unconditionally by your mom- what a horrible loss for her.. her issues don’t define you..
you are perfectly and wonderfully made – there are no mistakes.. I am so glad you love yourself – no one does it better.. always know your worth❤️
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