image002.pngEating peanut butter always reminds me of the night a gay man tried to seduce me
the irony is I never ate peanut butter until I became American
nor did I have any gay male friends
they thought me too girly with my waist-length hair, frilly frocks and high socks
an object easier for ridicule, there are status levels of coolness I didn’t care about
because I didn’t fit in with their ideas just as they were not
societies chosen children
it seemed a shame two outcasts wouldn’t bridge the gap
but Rick did, he was he said, a Bear in the gay world
what does that mean? I wanted to know
it’s a kind of look he said
there are others, like geek, school boy, father
why must you have labels when society already forces them?
maybe that’s why we do, he said and looked sad
which was an unusual thing because he laughed all the time
you know what they say about comedians and how
they make others laugh because inside they hurt
and he was left handed-too like me
maybe he did resemble a bear
 
so when I sat on his lap in the bar and he whispered
the feel of you is driving me crazy
I gave him a double-look
those words can’t be coming from you
I thought I was safe on a queer man’s knee
you’re not safe on any man’s knee in this country he said
we’re no longer in France and it’s not du rigor
all men want sex, gay men may be gay but they still
sometimes take to bed the occasional woman
I hadn’t known that
the lesbian world was more rigid with thick rule books
and tightly closed legs
it was hard enough to sleep with another woman
lesbian-bed-death and all
but men? A few who couldn’t get pregnant with turkey-basters
fell in love with their male donors
but only on a full moon
and whilst I made no habit of sitting on men’s knees usually
the bar was heaving with sweating twenty year olds
and he was gay and I was gay and everyone should be gay and do a little dance
except I was sad and lonely and Rick complained that
men down the leather bar thought 30 was old so he feared
the day when he would be irrelevant and nobody would desire
his gentle paunch and diminishing hairline
I told him that day will never come you matter to me
and we both saw how we filled each others needs
better than someone of the same-sex ever could
which seemed a painful irony
I might have drunkenly slept with him if I didn’t
already know he’d been promiscuous
and I am a responsible child of the AIDS era and
not fond of navigating awkward mornings
he might have slept with me the way a lonely boy
finds a hole in any surface
to release the places he keeps hidden
then we wouldn’t have been friends
and that would have been the last time
I’d sat on a boys knee, queer or straight
so I wouldn’t have seen you on stage performing or
your ex girlfriend staring at you with open-mouth desire
when she was supposed to be courting me
that night I learned a little about people
I would have understood less from the back of the room
forgetting the advantages of the heterosexual girl
smoking a black cigarette and knocking back my gloom
for minority status isn’t all about being different
it can be the loneliest place in the world
and even dyed in the wool queers
have fantasies about knights, princes and castles
when the room is dark and oily
and anything seems possible

0 Replies to “Anything seems possible”

  1. A very eloquent way of saying that each individual is different, has desires that can fluctuate and change like a look or a fashion, a way of wearing our hair. We aren’t moulded into one shape or another, we are fluid like air and water, and no one has the right to say you are this and not the other. Lovely poem πŸ™‚

    1. Thank you dear one. It was one that was tongue in cheek of course, and I’m sure some will take it literally and be offended, but that’s the point, we are so easily offended and the truth behind the labels is there are no finites and many things are hilariously off kilter. Sometimes laughing at things like that helps me get through the rigor of this mad world! πŸ˜‰ Thank you so much for reading and saying you liked it. You know what that means to me. BTW I sent you the scans of that Baba Yaga book earlier via FB.

  2. You had me laughing and smiling at this little story….. I loved it dearly…I could picture you and him and this story unfold like a small scene in an old movie… thanks for the escape Cannonball… xx

  3. I love your story. I do not believe in labels and I believe that people can fall in love with anyone, and be happy with anyone. This is my opinion. I personally just want to be loved and adored. Not mistreated or neglected with time, unfortunately this seems to be asking a lot for the people I have cared for. xoxoxo

    1. Right? Totally agree 100 percent. Love is love. People too busy categorizing and judging. This was part humor but part truth, even minorities mess their lives up by reliance upon labels. Thank you, very happy you liked this!

  4. OK Candace I resemble this on the flip side. I am known for having gaydar. A lesbian friend of miine local to me, I had many and they were between the two at times. Once, before the real story I had been with and was like never again. She would sweeten the pot calling me at all ours saying she picked up 4 blonds and they were doing daisy wheels and did not mind a man being there. Now back to my friend, she was molested as many friends of mine have been and she is not pretty but not a butch and she played softball on an openly gay but straight is OK softball team and she liked someone and wanted to use me to see if this woman was straight or gay. Well she had been with 3 men and 3 women and is 40. Not in love with any man nor did she dabble in certain physical acts but was in love with all three women and did everything and had two others she never got to. She pretended to be straight, then bi and then her family pressure, she has a lesbian sister, had her trying to conform and I still tell her that she is not bi or straight and she does not believe me.On an unusual night I was asked to sleep over with them for there first night. My friend who was molested had this mantra of never wishing to be with a man. She insisted us sleeping together, me on the end, her butt to me and her gf last. Prior she pressed me against a wall saying how she wanted me now with her gf in the bathroom. She made it very awkward as she kept grinding into me and her gf and I had to take a timeout.

  5. Who ever came up with this idea of labeling society? We are all different in our own ways…we are humans beings.
    My feeling is that labels are for canned food… I am what I am – and I know what I am. ~ Michael Stipe
    I don’t care what people call me, labels have the negative value of making smaller boundaries for people. ~ Michael Graves
    The answer is, who you are cannot be defined through thinking or mental labels or definitions, because it’s beyond that. It is the very sense of being, or presence, that is there when you become conscious of the present moment. In essence, you and what we call the present moment are, at the deepest level, one. ~ Eckhart Tolle
    What I really resent most about people sticking labels on you is that it cuts off all the other elements of what you are because it can only deal with black and white; the cartoon. ~ Siouxsie Sioux
    I don’t understand labels. I don’t need anybody to tell me I’m Latina or black or anything else. I’ve played characters that were written for Caucasian females, I just want to be given the same consideration as everybody else, and so far that has been happening. ~ Zoe Saldana
    Sis, another one of my favorite poems by you. Are you magnificent and your writing a power of hope.

    1. Asmov you know how I agree with everything you have written here ten fold. Well said! It is so important that we do not confine a person. I expect this will change but in the meantime I suppose pointing out scenarios helps people understand why labels are ineffective.

  6. This is very interesting Candice and kind of heartbreaking. Fucking labels though I suppose we all do it, even to ourselves, we are all so eager to belong somewhere.

    1. Ah my new friend I am in utter agreement, ‘fucking labels’ as you say, they are surely the bane of our existence in so many ways, so much that we do not seem to be able to remove ourselves from them. I often muse the price we pay for trying to fit in and belong.

      1. I am so sorry for swearing on your site, and of course you were unaware that it was me. What else can we do… the world can be a very lonely place.

  7. Ah …your experience in this poem brought to mind the lyrics from the Kinks “Girls will be boys and boys will be girls It’s a mixed up muddled up shook up world except for Lola …La-la-la-la Lola”…Be well my friend.

    1. Thank you lovely girl – it seems to me that anything is possible if we let it … and equally we can shut things down so easily if we do not and I have been guilty of both πŸ˜‰

  8. Fuck, this is GREAT! I love your humour and your depth and your powers of analysis. I got too close to a gay man once, believing it was safe, of course it was…not realising, not knowing…we think we know so much sometimes…and we know fuck all…life likes to remind us sometimes.

    1. Yeah totally I thought that also, how could a gay man be like a straight man? but sex is sex. I didn’t ‘get’ that because I’m not like that but many are. Totally true.

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